my least favorite holiday

...has always been new year's eve. blech.

it probably all began when i was around 10 years old, and our parents took us to mcdonald's (which was a HUGE treat) for new year's eve. i ate my last big mac that night ~ seriously, i've never eaten one since ~ because a few hours after we got home, all five of us came down with a monster stomach virus. it was horrible. and we only had one bathroom. i vividly remember yellow tupperware bucket-type things that we were instructed to throw up in. we were all lying on the living room floor with blankets and pillows...barfing our guts out.

new year's eve as a teenager wasn't much of an improvement. while everyone else had something cool to do on that night, julie and i were at home. no dates. no cute guy to kiss at midnight. instead, we passed the time listening to casey kasem count down the top 100 hits of the year. we'd put a blank cassette in the tape recorder/stereo, then pray that casey would not talk through the intro to songs that we wanted to record.

when leo and i were dating, and then for the first few years of our marriage, we always had plans for new year's eve. i came to realize pretty quickly that i hadn't been missing much all those years by not going to any parties. when kate was born, we decided that the risk of being out on the roads on new year's eve wasn't really worth it. so now, we spend december 31 at home with the kids. which is totally fine with both of us.

i don't really get into all of the end-of-the-year media stuff ~ you know, the top ten of everything under the sun: "top ten most shocking tv moments, top ten movie flops, top ten celebrity melt-downs." big deal. i also don't get nostalgic on december 31, nor do i sit down and take stock of my life. i analyze myself enough every day (honestly), so i don't feel the need to do it solely on january 1.

i do feel a little gloomy that christmas is over. it's the anticipation of christmas that makes it so wonderful, wouldn't you agree?

in general, the anticipation of almost anything is better than the actual event. anticipation is exciting...anticipation is pure, because anything can happen...with anticipation, the possibilities are endless and there is always a chance for a happy ending.

so instead of looking back at 2007...

i eagerly anticipate 2008.

happy new year!!!

rollin', rollin', rollin'

for the past 35 years, we (mom, dad, julie, jill, and i) have made cinnamon rolls at christmas to give to friends, neighbors, and family. the tradition began when my parents, who were a little short on holiday cash in 1972, decided to bake gifts for people. what began as a project of 7-8 pans of rolls has now evolved into a list of 135.

it's interesting to look back at the people who have been on "the list" (or "honor roll", as a friend puts it) over the years...a few have been receiving rolls since the beginning. for many of the families we deliver to, our rolls have become a part of their Christmas tradition: smith cinnamon rolls for breakfast.

now, our own children have become a part of the process, either helping to make dough, or delivering the rolls to neighbors. it's just a small thing, you know. but i think it makes Christmas a little brighter for everyone involved.

a couple of notes about the photos in the slide show...

julie is priceless in her poses, as you will see. we staged the corny picture of kendra receiving rolls with one hand and shaking hands with my dad. lastly, dad is posing with an "icing brush" which he has officially retired and jokingly said he wants to mount above the oven.

enjoy. and merry christmas!

Powered by GoodWidgets.com

the other side

for those of you who checked out heather's entry at the dooce...you may be interested in reading her husband jon's blog on living with a wife who has a mental illness. good stuff. you gotta love them both for their honesty and vulnerability.

please, please, please visit the dooce

even if you get tired of hearing me tell my story, you still MUST read this blog entry by heather armstrong over at the dooce. so many of you have shared your own experiences with depression, anxiety, ocd, addiction, and other mental illnesses with me. if you're still afraid of seeking help, or afraid of what others will think of you ~ you may find just the encouragement you need after reading heather's story.

on a lighter note, i loved this part of heather's entry...

I was recently at lunch with a few friends, one who had just been diagnosed with OCD that manifests itself in a need to straighten up everything around her, and I was all really? That's considered OCD? Because I thought that was just considered BEING ALIVE. And because she hasn't ever read this website she asked if I had ever been treated for a diagnosis abbreviated with capital letters. I looked across the table at my other friend, someone who is very familiar with what I have written here, and she almost gagged on an ice cube. I nodded and then explained that I'm in ongoing therapy for what's called C-R-A-Z-Y.

after reading that, i think perhaps i need to change my own blog label/tag from "depression" to "C-R-A-Z-Y".

'cause if we're all honest, we're all a little C-R-A-Z-Y at times, don't you think?

santa's helpers

i think they're a little bit naughty and a little bit nice. actually, that's not a bad combination.

chlamydia ain't no fun

nah, i don't have an STD...but hopefully i've just made you giggle, or at least you want to read the rest of this entry to find out what the heck i'm talking about...

my blog post title is actually the title of a report two junior high boys did on chlamydia. they asked me to proofread it, and then i typed it for them. i learned that "you may think that chlamydia is the name of a really hot chick that lives down the street. but it's not! it's a disease that ruins lives!!!" (quoting the boys, there) heehee...not that i think STDs are funny, but oh my gosh, you should've read their rather humorous take on the whole thing. i can't wait to see the power point presentation they've put together for this. :)

you've heard of how a person's computer can be confiscated and their hard-drive ransacked for evidence of misbehavior? well, God help whoever investigates me, 'cause i've learned more about syphilis, gonorrhea, trichomonas, and genital warts and herpes in the past week than i've ever wanted and my hard drive is full of it. articles, statistics, advice, even pictures. yep, it's all there.

my kids are doing STD reports in health, and they are REQUIRED to download and print "school appropriate" pictures of the symptoms of these STDs for posters and power point slide shows. do you know how hard it is to google "syphilis" and not get icky, red, pus-infected pics of HOO-HA'S??? good grief. talk about nasty.

the funny thing (or maybe not, if you're being a prude), is how my kids have asked me for their info...

"mrs. gillen, i have gonorrhea and need to know if a condom will prevent it."

you get the idea. and yes, before anyone posts to complain...i know that there are kids this age who are sexually active. (i've had students with babies before.) but these kids who have asked me for help have been so literally grossed out by what they're researching, it gives me hope that they will remain celibate. at least for a little while.

after all, chlamydia ain't no fun.

snow day

sledding at aunt vickie's and uncle jake's. what could be better?

Powered by GoodWidgets.com

you tube copyright law...

...is a total bummer. no bob ross. no more clips from george c. scott's "a christmas carol." and i'm sure that saturday night live clip below will be yanked soon.

bah. humbug.

best parody of a christmas movie, ever

if you or someone you know...

...has read my blog entries on depression, please note: i have found some excellent new articles regarding the disease and have posted them in the sidebar (list of depression articles and resources.) one piece in particular, is an excellent source of information for men.

i was also reading today about joe pantoliano's depression organization, "no kidding, me too." joe was one of the stars of "the sopranos". his group's mission statement includes the following:

Our goal is to educate the public about the wonderful possibilities that exist when we break down the societal barriers which hold us all back because we treat those afflicted with mental illness differently – we label them and isolate them. What we passionately want to accomplish is to relieve the weight of millions of people who suffer this isolation.

There is an oft-quoted statistic that for every person who is diagnosed with mental illness, eleven loved ones are affected. The immediate short-term result is that the mentally ill person becomes isolated from the outside world because they are deemed unable to “handle” it. And isolation breeds isolation which creates the stigma and discrimination we need to eliminate. The brain is an organ – just like the heart, liver and kidneys – and we need to encourage everyone to treat it as such from both a medical and social perspective.

way to go, joe.

from both sides now

this joni mitchell song simply blows me away. for so very many reasons. most of which i can't talk about here. even if you're not a joni mitchell fan, try listening to her sing, and take a look at the lyrics at the same time ~ they may touch you in some way as well.



Rows and floes of angel hair,
and ice cream castles in the air,
and feather canyons everywhere.
I've looked at clouds that way.

But now they only block the sun.
They rain and snow on everyone.
So many things I would have done,
but clouds got in my way.

I've looked at clouds from both sides now,
from up and down, and still somehow
it's cloud illusions I recall.
I really don't know clouds at all.

Moons and Junes and ferris wheels,
the dizzy dancing way you feel,
as every fairy tale comes real.
I've looked at love that way.

But now it's just another show.
You leave 'em laughing when you go,
and if you care, don't let them know.
Don't give yourself away.

I've looked at love from both sides now,
from give and take, and still somehow
it's love's illusions I recall.
I really don't know love at all

Tears and fears and feeling proud,
to say I love you right out loud.
Dreams and schemes and circus crowds,
I've looked at life that way.

But now old friends are acting strange.
They shake their heads, they say I've changed.
Well something's lost, but something's gained
in living every day.

I've looked at life from both sides now.
From win and lose and still somehow
it's life's illusions I recall.
I really dont know life at all.

lots of links

* i'm psyched...in about 45 minutes, the best version of "a christmas carol" is going to be on tv. i saw this one in high school, and have been in love with it ever since. when i was in college, i would check dickens out of the library every december and read "a christmas carol" ~ i can still see the green cover of that book...how odd! anyways, this version contains what may be the best line from a movie, ever (the ghost of christmas present says to scrooge): It may well be that, in the sight of Heaven, you are more worthless and less fit to live than MILLIONS like this poor man's child. what a lesson in humility.

* one of my favorite photo blogs is joe's nyc. probably because someday i hope to conquer my distaste for traveling and actually visit new york. check out his work. it's fantastic. this shot from a couple of weeks ago is classic, as is this, and with some, you just have to take sit back and take in the whole thing.

* interestingly enough, joe's wife is the co-author of a book which was recently released in paperback, titled "the case against homework". i'd like to check that out, seeing as how i'm not a big fan of the stuff...which probably seems ironic, seeing as how i'm a teacher and all.

* i was reading entertainment weekly and saw a story about will ferrell and adam mckay's website called "funny or die". the videos are funny, but some are a little raunchy. you've been warned.

* okay, so y'all have probably heard about this already, but just in case you didn't know...santa can't say "hohoho" no mo' in australia (mate). and in london, he can't be "fat". geesh. oh yeah, and pat robertson says that holiday wreaths and christmas trees (or "family trees", as Lowe's calls them) are pagan relics. give me a break. who thinks up this crap?

* my beloved sesame street is under attack. as it turns out...oscar is too grouchy and sets a bad example for children. cookie monster eats too many cookies, and other things in a "monsterpiece theater" segment, and sets a bad example for children. don't watch this clip on youtube, lest ye be doomed forever...

* farmers get depressed too. i never really thought about it, but boy...they're ripe for it (no pun intended).

* for a grin before you leave, check out one of my favorite "reno 911" clips ever. dangle's new boot goofin'...

“They may forget what you said, but they will never forget how you made them feel.” - Carl W. Buechner

i've been in a blogging funk. hard to find time. feeling unmotivated. sometimes i feel like there's just nothing to talk about that's interesting. "to blog or not to blog...is that the question?" i guess tonight the answer is "to blog" so here's a post...please read it all the way through.

my job keeps me incredibly busy. i am on our building's four-person OISM team. it's kinda funny...bill (our principal) picked four pretty anal, thorough, no-nonsense chicks to head up this thing. we had to make a two hour presentation at our in-service a couple of weeks ago where we introduced a mentoring program ~ every staff member must mentor 1-2 "at risk" students. needless to say, we have some staff dissenters. one became very argumentative with me during the presentation, and i handled it well, although i must admit i broke down an hour later and lost it. public confrontation is not my favorite way to pass the time.

the two students i am mentoring are both currently on suspension. i have a wonderful relationship with them (i'll call them nick and marcus ~ not their real names) ~ and they treat me with the utmost respect. they are also brutally honest with me about their home lives. marcus's father is in the state pen serving a life sentence for murder; marcus said to me once, "mrs. gillen, he's just evil." scary. we have tried to talk to marcus's mother about discipline issues, but she said, in front of her child, that he "was our problem" and she "couldn't handle him at home." oh, but she keeps him fully stocked on his tobacco products.

marcus frightened me last week when he stated, point blank, "i'm just a bad person". as if that was his sole identity. i tell him each morning how much i love him (like a son) and that i am so grateful that i get to spend time with him every day. when he left to serve his suspension on friday, he voluntarily gave me a hug and then instructed nick to do the same.

i was talking to a behavior consultant about marcus and his family history and the disparaging remark he made to me about [him] believing he is a bad person. i discussed how afraid i am that he will wind up in prison like his father. the consultant insisted that i keep "feeding him", keep making him feel important, constantly praise his goodness. then she said, (in these exact words) something i will never forget: "jodi, you may not be able to keep him from breaking and entering. but you may be the one who keeps him from breaking and entering and then killing someone."

this past friday afternoon, the day that nick and marcus left to serve their suspensions, nick's father came in and i asked to speak with him. i praised nick and told his dad how bright and funny and kind he was. then dad asked me about the suspension which had been handed down (not by me, but by our principal), and i tried to explalin that nick had made some bad choices but that we would work on it. he then went on to explain how his wife had left him over 10 years ago and nick didn't have a mother that loved him and how he has to be at work every morning by 5:00 and there's no one there to get nick out of bed....and on and on he went. i told him i would be willing to call nick every morning to wake him, which he appreciated very much. he then took out the suspension paper, read it, crumpled it up, threw it on the ground and said, "m'am, you can tell your principal to kiss my ass". and he walked away.

later that evening, out of the blue, i receive a phone call from my principal. unbelievably, nick's dad had called the school after i left, told the principal what he had said, and asked him to pass along his apologies. i was shocked. what a small, but miraculous thing. (we can do no great things, only small things with great love...eh?)

this thanksgiving, i am grateful for nick and marcus. i am thankful that god has entrusted their care to me for a few hours a day.

i love those boys. i really do.

phyllis at the bada bing

i will forever think of phyllis a. when i see a "sally o'malley" clip! i love you phylbee!

hanging on

despite hard frosts this week that wiped out its brothers and sisters, this petunia is still blooming. i'm not sure how...

i love petunias. striped petunias remind me of my great-grandmother, gertrude voelker smith. very german lady. lived on germany road. she and my great-grandfather, victor, brewed their own beer in their basement. they lived on a beautiful farm, with a cozy house and traditional american red barn.

so anyways, back to the petunia...

i love that today, the day when we set our clocks back, and darkness creeps back into our schedule...that today, i found a sign of life in my own back yard.

this petunia adds a little more color to my world. and for that, i am grateful.

happy halloween!

do you remember our pumpkins? well, tonight they became jack-o-lanterns. the kids drew designs on the pumpkins with a sharpie, then used those little flimsy carving tools to cut out the faces. kate discovered that pulp is rather sticky and frustrating!

anyway, we've saved all the seeds and plan on putting them in the same flower bed next year. we can't wait to see what happens!!!

almost an oxymoron

last week, to celebrate red-ribbon "be drug-free" week, our students were given smarties (you know, the candy?)

so what do two of my kids do (not in my room, mind you)???

they crushed their smarties into powder and attempted to snort it.

too bad they don't understand the definition of irony...

on days when i doubt my effectiveness as a teacher

this quote reassures me that i am where i'm supposed to be...

"God has created me to do him some definitive service. He has committed some work to me which he has not committed to another. I have my mission."

- John Henry Newman

dr. f.

i LOVE being around individuals who, without even knowing it, reaffirm my belief in the pure, unadulterated goodness of mankind.

that just may be the best kind of blessing.

church

leo took his camera and his missalette to scioto trails this morning and had his own private morning mass. here is just one of his many pictures...

"All I have seen teaches me to trust the Creator

for all I have not seen."

-Ralph Waldo Emerson

team loyalty

it's not been a happy weekend for many football fans. my beloved tigers lost to the 'burg friday night. auburn, my brother in-law's alma mater, lost in the closing seconds of their game to LSU. and notre dame...well, what can i say? we're just plain awful.

there's been a lot of grumbling these past couple of days about waverly's loss to wheelersburg. a lot of finger-pointing and whining, fans acting as if they are more knowledgable than coaches, and what-not. a lot of really teed-off people teeing off to anybody who's willing to listen.

hey, we lost. truly, it's not the end of the world.

leo is incredibly passionate about the fighting irish, but i'll never forget what he said to me one time after an ND loss...

"if my happiness depends on the performance of teenagers and young men who play a game on saturday afternoons, then i have bigger problems to deal with [than losing a football game]."

amen.

my son, ian, wore one of his many ND football jerseys to church this morning, where one gentleman made the comment, "i can't believe you're still wearing that thing"...which i'm sure was a reference to our rather bad season. i, of course, butted right in and said, "of course, he's still wearing it. we love our boys." loving our boys means we hang in there with them, no matter what.

man, i LOVE my tigers.

and i LOVE my irish.

and when they lose...life still goes on.

get over it.

i voted for him twice

that's a new word for it

setting: flag football game last saturday

speaking: ian, to his coaches, a few plays after he lands hard on the ground:

"hey coach, you know when i jumped up in the air to catch that ball, and then i landed on the ground? i think i hurt my fella'."

cut to coaches: roaring with laughter, and ian grinning smugly.

i love that kid.

how to annoy me

over at the dooce, heather armstrong has listed "how to annoy me" as one of her blog labels. seeing as how heather is the queen of blogs, i've decided to emulate her and add "how to annoy me" as one of my own tags. my guess is that this type of blog entry will occur, more often than not, every four weeks...if you catch my drift. :) so be prepared, my thought process can get awfully ugly sometimes.

so, here we go...

how to annoy me:

ask me to MOVE MY CHAIR at my son's football game so that your "cheerleaders" will have room to do their thing. please ~ my boy's PLAYING FOOTBALL. without my son, your 7 year-old daughter would have to shake her tail feathers some place else.

HE's a computer geek, too.

one sentence: true stories told in one sentence

have you seen this site before? it’s kinda cool. true stories told in one sentence. the massive tag cloud indicates that pretty much every life topic is addressed in one way or another. we all have a story to tell, hmmm?

a few sentences that i found funny:

* having a baby feels like trying to push a freight train up a mountain with your hoo-ha.

* i conduct job interviews for a living and nothing gives me a better sense of wielding karma than giving the job to the nervous kid instead of the better qualified arrogant prick.

* he's ruined half of my music library for me.

* my very married, sixty-year-old father obviously doesn't know that you can search by e-mail address on Myspace since he has a page that says he's thirty, single, and there for "dating."

i’ve been trying to come up with my own one sentence story, but i’m finding that it varies from day to day, depending on my mood, if i’m feeling nostalgic, etc...

what would your sentence be? would you ever consider posting it on the site?

just curious...

i'm not too handy with a camera

but i still love these pictures of my flowers!

Did you know...

The presence of flowers triggers happy emotions, heightens feelings of life satisfaction and affects social behavior in a positive manner far beyond what is normally believed, according to a recent behavioral research study conducted at Rutgers, The State University of New Jersey. Nature provides us with a simple way to improve emotional health in a high-tech, fast-paced lifestyle.

Researchers exploring the link between flowers and life satisfaction found that:
•Flowers have an immediate effect on happiness, a universal reaction that occurs in all age groups.

•Flowers have a long-term positive effect on moods. Study participants said they felt less depressed, anxious and agitated after receiving flowers.

•Flowers make intimate connections. The presence of flowers led to increased contact with family and friends.

"Common sense tells us that flowers make us happy,” said Dr. Jeannette Haviland-Jones, professor of psychology at Rutgers and lead researcher on the study. "Now science shows us that not only do flowers make us happier than we know, they have strong positive effects on our emotional well-being.”

"I'm sure that if you knew, you'd try to help in one way or another." - Mike Wallace

"People who don't know, who say it's (depression) self-indulgence, sound callous, but it's not callousness born of indifference; I think it's callousness born of ignorance. That kind of ignorance we've got to get rid of, and little by little I suppose, we will. You say to them, 'It's a pity you don't know. I'm sure that if you knew, I'm sure that if you really knew, not only wouldn't you say that, you'd try to help in one way or another." - Mike Wallace, On the Edge of Darkness

about ten years ago, i found this quote on the internet. mike wallace had decided to become vulnerable and go public about his battle with depression. as a result, i immediately purchased "on the edge of darkness" from amazon. it's become my bible, of sorts.

a few days ago, leo shared with me that a notre dame acquaintance had committed suicide. only 29 years old with a successful career and a baby due in november, this gentleman chose to end his life. i've known my husband for over 15 years, and this is at least the third suicide that has impacted him since we've been together. last night, he admitted to me that he is "thrown" by all of this.

i didn't respond to his comment. (perhaps this is my response, instead?) the truth is, mike wallace's words hold true: "if you knew, if you really knew..." one can't understand until he knows, really knows what the disease is like. unfortunately, the only way to know it is to actually live it.

when i was first diagnosed with depression in 1997, leo was completely unaware that i had been living in hell. i hadn't slept in weeks, although i was lying beside him every night. i was hiding food or throwing it in the trash to make it appear that i was eating. i was still going to work every day, even though my mind was racing with destructive thoughts.

i never actually contemplated intentional suicide. i do remember, however, driving on 220 west in freezing cold temperatures, snow flurries brushing off the windshield, and thinking... "god, i don't think i could do it (suicide), but if you wanted to make my car slide off the side of the road and crash into that telephone pole, it would be okay. at least i could rest."

if you don't know, you don't understand.

suicide is not a pointless or random act. to people who think about ending their own lives, suicide represents an answer to an otherwise unsolvable problem. it is a choice that is somehow preferable to the continued emotional distress which the person fears more than death. those in a suicidal frame of mind have tunnel vision; there is no solution, no way out, no light at the end of the tunnel. they are inundated with an overwhelming sense of hopelessness about the future. they are convinced that absolutely nothing can be done to improve their lives.

can you imagine this kind of existence? how horrifying.

i didn't know the young man who died this past week. and i can't even begin to wrap myself around the pain that his family is going through. but i do have an inkling of the amount of distress that he must have endured to bring him to this point. and i feel so sorry for him.

there are those who would call me selfish in my feelings for this gentleman; how could i feel sorry for a man who has inflicted such torturous emotion upon his loved ones? please understand, in feeling sorry for him, i am not discounting the pain that has been innocently thrust upon his parents and wife. it's just that...

if you don't know, you don't understand.

so, what is the answer?

depression is still, what i call, "a bastard disease". it's the dirty little secret affecting every family that no one wants to talk about. instead, denial causes the disease to manifest itself in substance abuse and alcoholism, in divorce and mid-life crises, in reclusiveness and loss of relationship. so, we have to get it out of the closet.

we have to disconnect the disease from shame.

shame causes those who suffer to hide. shame causes those who suffer to self-medicate. shame causes those who suffer to take their own lives.

i'm one of the lucky ones. medication and therapy have worked for me, thank God. i have not lost friends or co-workers as a result of my honesty about my disease. God gave me enough courage to ask for help. it took a great amount of suffering in silence to bring me to my knees, but i thank Him every day for the gift of my treatment.

this is not to say that i have depression licked. this is not to say that i am not terrified at the thought that someday my disease will take a ravenous turn for the worse. that for some inexplicable reason, my meds will cease to work, and i will find myself in a hole so deep that there seems no way out. such thoughts occupy the deepest recesses of mind daily.

for now, i try to be both helpful and hopeful. and i earnestly pray, that someday, there will be a magical key that unlocks a cure for all who suffer. no individual should have to endure such hopelessness, and no family should have to endure such tragic loss.

argghhh ~ a random stream of consciousness, matey

* did you know that today, september 19, is "talk like a pirate day"? i kid you not. you can check it out here. (does hallmark have a card for this?) at any rate, there are even sites on the web where you can generate your own pirate name. from now on, just call me "plunderin' billy".

* i hate postnasal drip. it irritates the heck out of me. seriously. i googled the the term and discovered that the glands in your nose and throat continually produce up to two quarts of mucus a day ~ which is normally swallowed unconsciously. gross. but hey, god had a plan there, eh? anyways, i woke up this morning after having postnasal drip ALL NIGHT, and my uvula was HUGE! gag. grrrr.... swallowing is not fun. (please don't confuse "uvula" with a female body part that is spelled similarly.)

* speaking of uvulas ~ did you know that people actually get these pierced? good grief. i stumbled upon some pictures of uvula piercings here. i can't even imagine...

* my small group at church is reading "messing spirituality" by mike yaconelli. talk about an awesome guy. here are a few of his equally awesome quotes:

* The truly holy people I've met in my life are really interesting people. They're a mix of the most incredible godliness and at the same time, the most unbelievable earthiness. I know a woman who curses like a sailor, but she's the most holy woman I know. She is! I'm not kidding. We've created this image of what holiness looks like that's just nonsense. Good holy people probably drink too much some times, and have colorful language, and there's plenty of room in the Bible to see people like that. We have to see life for what it is, entirely more complicated then simple. Spirituality is not simple; it's complicated. It gets messy sometimes.

* The grace of God is dangerous. It's lavish, excessive, outrageous, and scandalous. God's grace is ridiculously inclusive. Apparently God doesn't care who He loves. He is not very careful about the people He calls His friends or the people He calls His church.

* There are a whole lot of people who are so freakin' busy—they've so cluttered up their lives—they're at their wits' end. And if they'd only just stop for a minute, they could hear the God of the universe whisper to them, "I love you."

mike yaconelli said that at his funeral, those who eulogized him would simply say, "mike was a mess."

amen, dude. aren't we all?

a different kind of fantasy

leo and i have been on a diet for the past few weeks, and it's working. i've lost over ten pounds. but lately, i have been missing the decadence of food. to get myself to sleep these last few nights, i have been fantasizing about the cajun chicken linguini alfredo and cheddar biscuits at red lobster...

sometimes i think that if i could wish for anything, i would ask for the ability to eat whatever i want, in large quantities, and not gain a pound. food is my vice. there is nothing better than a wonderful meal, shared with equally wonderful people.

sigh...

pumpkin update

in a previous post, i talked about how a renegade pumpkin seed decided to take root and go crazy in the flower bed beside our house. i am now thrilled to announce the "birth" of our first baby ~ which you can see here! baby pumpkin #1 is over 16 inches long, but we haven't weighed him yet. we will be cutting his umbilical cord within the next couple of days, and he will be on display for visitors next week. (heehee)


we are also happy to announce that we are expecting two more bundles of joy, as you can see from the pictures below:





at the risk of sounding cliche, we consider these pumpkins to be something of a miracle. i mean, God made these little fellas out of one tiny seed! it's just way too cool...

"it's kind of fun to do the impossible" - walt disney

i had that quote up in my classroom last year. i stayed after school one afternoon and laboriously taped up every individual letter, so that the words spanned the length of my back wall.

the quote needs to be put back up.

i absolutely, positively, and without reservation, LOVE my job. i am so incredibly blessed to be where i am, doing something that i was born to do. but my goodness...last week was tiring.

one of my co-workers, a gentleman across the hall, said to me on friday that last week was the longest week of his 28 years in teaching. and it was. i am spread so thin this year, it makes me a little nervous. my principal asked me on friday how my class load was, and i told him that i needed to be in at least three places at one time every period of the day. no matter what i do, no matter where i opt to go, somebody is getting short-changed. i'm going to be in a state of constantly disappointing someone.

i don't like disappointing people, be they students or co-workers. the perfectionist in me hates that it will be IMPOSSIBLE to do my job PERFECTLY.

perhaps i need to adjust my radar, redefine my expectations, adopt a "new view" of the impossible, and simply remind myself every day of what walt disney said.

yep, that quote's going back up on the wall...

dancing with the dog

those of you familiar with my blog, or even my life, know that i refer to my battle with depression as the "black dog". there are times when i feel that the dog and i have come to an understanding; i realize that when he is not with me, he is, in actuality, simply living in another room, waiting for his cue to come and join me.

for me, the key word in that last sentence is "cue".

depression is much easier to understand when it has been activated (or cued) by a particular event. when there appears to be no cue, and the dog comes running in anyways...well, that's when i tend to doubt my sanity. seriously.

the dog came to play a couple of weeks ago. for no good reason. he was ever-present for over a week, and then slowly started to retreat for increasing amounts of time, until he was no longer around.

i didn't tell anyone. not leo. not my dearest friends. no one.

my concentration was blown, my sleep was erratic, my mind was on over-drive, my anxiety was physically manifesting itself. so i doubled my meds, and i still kept the secret. (my acting skills are extremely good.)

why am i still hiding the dog from the people i love and trust?

maybe this public confesson of a private dance with the dog will help me the next time.

maybe next time, i'll ask one of you to join me in the dance.

tuesday funny

birthday boy

my beautiful birthday boy. ian turned 7 last friday. here he is, holding one of the chocolate birthday cupcakes he made from scratch and iced himself.

ian has so many wonderful qualities. he is helpful and kindhearted ~loving and well-mannered. it devastates him to disappoint someone, and sometimes he is too quick to apologize (just like his mother). ian loves to cuddle, hug, hold hands, and smooch. he is patient and giving with other children. he's going to make some woman a wonderful husband someday!!!

my bond with ian was instantaneous ~ from the moment he was born, i was head-over-heels in love with him. i had such a difficult delivery with kate, and was so overwhelmed with mommy-hood, that i hadn't felt that spontaneous connection with her. i felt guilty about that for a long time ~ like somehow i had cheated her during her first few weeks on earth. i was worried about having another child, that maybe i wouldn't have enough love for my son. boy, was i wrong.

ian's recent accident has only increased my love for him (if that is even possible). he has grown weary over the past few weeks of me telling him just how much i adore him. but that's okay. can we ever tell our children how precious they are to us too often?

happy birthday ian. my love for you is limitless.

and thank you god, for the gift of my son. my gratitude to you is boundless as well.

one of those quiz thingies

my beautiful friend peggy emailed me the following quiz ~ which i took the liberty of editing a little bit. i was supposed to answer and forward the email, but instead i put it up here...

1. Where you named after anyone? i don't think so. but i know that if julie and i had been boys, we were going to be named "brett and bart", after the old maverick tv show.

2. When was the last time you cried? a few days after ian's accident.

3. If you were another person, would you be friends with you? i'd be crazy not to be!!!

4. Do you use sarcasm alot? see answer#3!

5. Would you bungee jump? absolutely not. it's a pointless and ridiculous exercise.

6. Do you think you are strong? only in certain circumstances.

7. What is your favorite ice scream? chocolate chip (not mint)

8. What is the first thing you notice about people? whether they are smiling or not

9. Who do you miss the most? my grandmother

10. If you were a crayon, what color would you be? sky blue

11. What are your favorite smells? fresh cut grass, lilacs, and peonies

12. Hobbies? stamping, scrapbooking, being crafty

13. Last movie you watched? little miss sunshine

14. Do you prefer hugs or kisses? hugs!!!!!

15. Favorite dessert? warm apple pie with ice cream

16. Do you have a special talent? i can sing the big mac song backwards. (it's a long story...)

17. Do you like the person that sent this to you? of course! miss peggy is one of the dearest people in the world and i love her a whole bunch! :)

odds and ends

i haven't blogged in awhile. and i don't really have a particular topic in mind for this entry, so here are some odds and ends (and men, beware, i'm gonna talk about boobs here in a few seconds.)

*ian is doing well. a few days ago, he had stainless steel caps placed on the two teeth that were broken in the fall. his chin is looking pretty good. i've come to believe, over the past couple of weeks, that stitches in the chin are standard practice for all men. it seems as if every guy that ian has shown his battle scar to has had stitches in the same place. seriously. it's been rather sweet to hear all of their stories.

*i won a cricut! those of you who scrapbook know these are the coolest machines ever!!! unfortunately, the closer we get to heading back to school, the less time i have to be crafty. so, i sent my cricut home with dear jenn, who is certain to give it a good workout! (go jenn!)

*we have a "renegade" pumpkin growing at our house. last fall, after halloween, i placed the kids' pumpkins in the landscaping beds along the side of our house. they rotted there over the course of the winter and by late spring, had deposited a ton of seeds on the ground. in early may, i sat in the beds and meticulously picked up every pumpkin seed (or so i thought) and placed them in a ziploc bag ~ all with the intent of planting them, which of course i never did. i obviously missed one, because there among my daylilies, is a huge pumpkin plant. and this morning, low and behold, i found a "baby" pumpkin under the foliage. just a tiny green nubbin'. i'm hoping it stays healthy and grows into a happy adult.

*my boobs remain an enigma. even for victoria's secret. (men, you've already been warned. you can skip ahead if you want.) yesterday, i worked up enough courage and humility to be "officially" measured and fitted for a bra at victoria's secret. all the way to columbus i was praying, "dear god, don't let the girl who fits me be blond and skinny and pretty." worthless prayer. EVERY girl working at VS is gorgeous. and i'm ~ well ~ 40 years old with uneven boobs and pregnancy fat still hanging on my middle. (i mean, why couldn't someone sweet like pauline copeland get a job at VS? wouldn't she make you feel right at ease?) so anyways, i tell barbie that i want to get fitted for a bra and that i'm incredibly small-chested (which she could see anyways) and that my right boob is even smaller than my left boob. no problem, she says, what size bra are you wearing? 38A. she measured me, and sure enough, i was right. i take a 38A. the problem is, VS didn't have a 38A. they don't go that small. i had to take a 38B. so now, i look like i have boobs. which i don't. in reality, i have a very expensive VS bra with spectacular padding and a nice firm cup that makes me look more busty than i am. i am now guilty of perpetuating a fraud.

*youtube continues to remove my beloved bob ross's videos. i have, however, found this great site, which many of you may already know about: veoh. at veoh, i can continue to take my daily dose of bob along with my lexapro and remain completely mellow ~ at least for 30 minutes.

*to my fellow office fans out there ~ have you checked out "creed thoughts" on nbc.com? if you love the show, and you love creed, you will find these hysterical. (if you don't watch the office, and don't know who creed is, the humor will be lost on you.) a couple of his random "thoughts": "You say diabetes, I say diabetos." and "They should rename the Virgin Islands. That was an expensive mistake."

*i've decided that this is the most romantic scene in any movie i've ever seen. (and i've seen a lot of movies.) darcy walking across that field in the early morning light ~ ahhhhh!



*and finally, i was going to end this blog by complaining about some stuff. instead, i am going to leave you with this quote from the amazing henri nouwen, whom i love for a number of reasons, the chief of which are his humility and vulnerability. henri seemed to have me in mind when he spoke these words:

“For as long as you can remember, you have been a pleaser, depending on others to give you an identity. You need not look at that only in a negative way. You wanted to give your heart to others, and you did so quickly and easily. But now you are being asked to let go of all these self-made props and trust that God is enough for you. You must stop being a pleaser and reclaim your identity as a free self.”

angels seen and unseen

ian slipped and fell from the top of the high dive ladder at our city pool friday night. he landed, basically, on his face on the concrete below. his chin took the brunt of the fall. split wide and deep, it required ten stitches on the inside and ten stitches outside. his body has abrasions everywhere. the interior of his mouth is black and blue; it's amazing that he lost no teeth. x-rays confirmed there were no broken bones and no internal injuries.

the real miracle, however, is how lucky we are.

occasionally, my mind drifts to what could have been ~ how he could have fallen backwards instead.

i have prayed to god non-stop over the past 36 hours.

how do i sufficiently thank him for protecting ian? i still have this child, who i love more than my own life ~ multiple thank you's to christ just don't seem like they're enough.

lying in bed this morning, watching ian sleep, it dawned on me...god truly KNOWS the depth of my love for my son. his love for his own child, whom he sacrificed, was no different. so perhaps, as i ineptly and repeatedly tell HIM how thankful i am for protecting ian, he completely understands the depth of my gratitude as well.

i have no doubts that there were unseen angels surrounding ian as he fell friday night. but there were other angels there as well.

julie showed up at the pool, rather unexpectedly, a mere five minutes before the fall. to say that she was a godsend would be an understatement. she was there in the car, craddling a very bloody little boy, as i frantically drove us to urgent care. she was at the hospital the entire time; she called the prayer team; she woke up early the next morning just to bring an x-box to ian; she brought us dinner last night. she has been a rock. her love for my children has never been more evident.

jill took care of kate, which was wonderful. we didn't have to worry at all about her. she was with her loving aunt.

we have to thank tony and juli shutts as well. even though i'm sure they will never read this blog, their help was so much appreciated.

our ambulance staff and ER workers at adena were fantastic. i couldn't have asked for more compassionate care.

for all of the members of the prayer team who were praying for ian ~ thank you ~ to phyllis and wendy and big jim and pauline ~ thank you ~ to my dear friend peggy who has called repeatedly to check on ian and has offered to come down and check his teeth ~ thank you.

takaji (dr. k.), i'm not sure how we can adequately thank you for taking personal time out of the office to care for our family. we really love you for that.

god has been so good to us.

we praise him for his mercy.

psalm 145

in praise and thanksgiving to God for sending His angels to protect ian last night. i am so unworthy of His goodness, but stand in awe of His compassion!!!

I lift you high in praise, my God, O my King!
and I'll bless your name into eternity.
God is magnificent;
he can never be praised enough.
There are no boundaries to his greatness.
Generation after generation stands in awe of your work;
each one tells stories of your mighty acts.
God is all mercy and grace -
not quick to anger, is rich in love.
God is good to one and all;
everything he does is suffused with grace.
Creation and creatures applaud you, God;
your holy people bless you.
God always does what he says,
and is gracious in everything he does.
All eyes are on you, expectant;
Everything God does is right -
the trademark on all his works is love.
God's there, listening for all who pray,
for all who pray and mean it.
My mouth is filled with God's praise.
Let everything living bless him,
bless his holy name from now to eternity!
(-The Message)

sesame street generation

i love you tube. at times when i'm feeling nostalgic, or longing for my youth, i watch classic sesame street clips there. julie, jill, and i were products of sesame street. we watched it in the morning, at noon during lunch, and again in the afternoon. i think i appreciate the humor and wisdom of it more now as an adult, though.

i loved anytime john-john (above) was on the show. this rapunzel skit from the fourth sesaon is also one of my favorites (rapunzel with a brooklyn accent ~ hysterical):



here's poor grover, of course, as the incompetent waiter (also from the fourth season):



and do any of you remember "mahna mahna"? for years, i thought he was saying "phenomenon".



jim henson was a genius, wouldn't you agree? talk about a man who used his gifts to make the world a better place. wow.

oh, and by the way, did you realize that there is a wikipedia for muppets? seriously, it's called Muppet Wiki. if you're in to sesame street or the muppet show, it's kinda cool.

enjoy the videos.

birches

recently, while digging around in my attic, i found a copy of the norton anthology of literature, which i used in a college english class almost 21 years ago. upon re-reading some of the poetry pieces, i discovered "birches" by robert frost. i have fallen in love with it...particularly these last lines:

So was I once myself a swinger of birches
And so I dream of going back to be.
It's when I'm weary of considerations,
And life is too much like a pathless wood.
Where your face burns and tickles with the cobwebs
Broken across it, and one eye is weeping
From a twig's having lashed across it open.
I'd like to get away from earth awhile
And then come back to it and begin over.
May no fate willfully misunderstand me
And half grant what I wish and snatch me away
Not to return.
Earth's the right place for love:
I don't know where it's likely to go better.
I'd like to go by climbing a birch tree,
And climb black branches up a snow-white trunk
Toward heaven, till the tree could bear no more,
But dipped its top and set me down again.
That would be good both going and coming back.
One could do worse than be a swinger of birches.

i've never climbed a birch tree, but as a child, i often climbed the apple tree in my grandmother's back yard. life was uncomplicated then. and pure. and joyous. oh, to be in that tree again, surrounded by simplicity and love.

when i'm weary of considerations and life is too much like a pathless wood, i'd like to get away from earth awhile, and then come back to it and begin over...

eight things about me

tersie challenged some of us on her blog to share eight things about ourselves. in other words, i was one of the persons that she "tagged". so, here's my list ~ and i've tried to come up with some items that i've never discussed on my blog before...

1. i hate traveling long distances in a car. and by "long distances", i mean anything over a couple of hours. it's toooooo claustrophobic for me. i break out in a cold sweat just thinking about it. traveling by plane is okay, though. no problems there.

2. always having a list of things to do is very comforting to me. (see these past blogs for more insight and information.) i don't always get everything done, but that's usually okay.

3. i think that god's most perfect food can be found at crispie creme donuts in chillicothe: the round chocolate doughnut with chocolate icing on top and creme in the middle. i buy them only once or twice a year. and yep, i know they're bad for me, but i don't care. i consider them a small slice of heaven.

4. i love a good nap. this may seem like it gets in the way of #2, but it really doesn't. i don't get to take naps very often, but when i do...mmmmmmm.

5. lilacs are the best-smelling thing on earth. period.

6. with apologies to any men who might read this...i would rather visit my gynecologist than my dentist, anytime. shots in my mouth ~ good grief. at least at my yearly gyno appt., it's pretty much wham-bam with the speculum and you're good to go for another year. :)

7. i do the columbus dispatch sunday crossword puzzle and cryptoquip every weekend.

8. being crafty helps make my world go 'round. especially stamping. i've thanked God on more than one occasion that i have a hobby that i love.

okay, i now "tag" anyone else who reads this post...

three brothers (out of five)

at the reds game on july 3. guess which one belongs to me!?

family dysfunction

so, i'm coming off a full week of spending time with my in-laws: mother in-law (martha), father in-law (stacy), two brothers in-law, their wives (one pregnant), and three nieces and nephews. they're sweet and all...but gillens 24/7 can become tedious! some random thoughts...

martha and stacy had difficult childhoods. both felt the need, for some reason, to open up to me at different times during the past week and talk to me about their lives. martha's mother died of lung cancer when she was 16. by the age of 19, she had become pregnant (out of wedlock ~ a HUGE catholic no-no) and was promptly disowned and kicked out of her house. within the next ten years, she had five boys. i asked her how on earth she did it...and her response was, "i think ignorance was just bliss."

stacy's father had migrated from ireland as a boy and settled in watertown, new york. irish catholic = big drinkers. his father was a hard-working, strict catholic, who was also an alcoholic. a gentle, loving, dear man, who never touched his children, and would not allow fighting among his sons...but was known to absolutely pound any man who insulted his virtue.

stacy's mother was simply not nice. whether or not his father drank to survive the marriage is unknown. stacy told me a story about his father coming home after drinking one night, and his mother had locked him out. his father picked up a chair on the porch, threw it through the front window, climbed into the house, unlocked the door...climbed back out through the window, opened the front door, walked into the house, and told his wife very calmly to never do that again.

when stacy was 12, his father (vincent) moved out of the house and took his sons with him. his mother and father never divorced (another big catholic no-no), but maintained separate residences until vincent's passing almost twenty years later.

you know, one thing that i think all of us has in common is that we come from families that are ripe with dysfunction. i mean, seriously. do you truly know of a NORMAL family? it doesn't exist. we are all faulty and diseased and waist-deep in muck...every one of us. think about your family and the relationships that exist, or DON'T exist, within it. it's messy, isn't it? in reality, wouldn't a NORMAL family be defined as one that has undergone tremendous obstacles, but for some reason, love continues to prevail.

so here's to my mother and father in-law, who can sometimes drive me a little crazy. but heck, they've been through different types of hell and have come out on the other side.

and i'd say, that's some kind of miracle.

with apologies to all my apple friends

sorry, but i thought this cartoon was pretty funny!!!

one word

my aunt kim sent me this email, and i thought it would be cool to post it on here:

"Here's what I would like you to do. Describe me in ONE WORD...just one word! Then forward this message on to your friends (including me) and see what they say about you! GAME ON!!"

instead of using email, maybe some of my blogging buddies can post this as well, and we can all respond to each other. and if no one responds to this post, i can only assume that's a pretty bad sign... :)

marty's movie mania is contagious

i think marty ford may be mine (and julie's) long-lost brother. he's as "into" movies as we are! his recent post identified his top ten movies, taken from AFI's list of the 100 top movies of all time. (and yes, marty, i stayed up until 2:00 am watching the west coast AFI tv special last week ~ i'm a moron: i have TiVo! why didn't i set it???)

here's my first list, with ten movies taken from AFI's list (in no particular order):

1. it's a wonderful life
2. all about eve
3. to kill a mockingbird
4. some like it hot
5. the philadelphia story
6. rocky
7. casablanca
8. shawshank redemption
9. gone with the wind
10. american graffiti

now, here are my top ten favorites of all time (in no particular order)...a few of which made the AFI list:

1. when harry met sally
2. random harvest
3. brief encounter
4. all about eve
5. it's a wonderful life
6. cinderella man
7. the quiet man
8. to kill a mockingbird
9. little miss sunshine
10. pride and prejudice
honorable mentions: pillow talk, sense and sensibility, the philadelphia story

quiz answers

1. st. elsewhere. amazing show and one of the best theme songs EVER!

2. bbq wings. they're okay, but definitely not my favorite. jaki taught me to love spinach and artichoke dip, which i have since passed on to my dear friend peggy. nothing beats a good quesadilla or some skins with LOTS of sour cream.

3. bridges of madison county. when francesca has her hand on the car door handle, i just want to scream "GO! GO! GO!".

4. purse. i love purses. i have no idea why. they're just my thing. period.

5. hugh jackman. have you seen him in his skivvies in the movie "someone like you"? when he and ashley judd are eating chinese food in the kitchen? yum.

6. thirtysomething. leo totally got me hooked on this show. unfortunately, it's no where to be found on tv.

7. peanut buster parfait. perfect combination of sweet and salty goodness.

8. wider smile. i have a little mouth. i've come to terms with my "shrunken chesticles" (small chest), but i could use some plastic surgery on my face.

9. pride and prejudice. boring book. great movie ~ one of the most romantic scenes ever in this film.

10. blind date. after six months of badgering by some mutual friends, i agreed to meet him. we were married seven months later.

always good for a laugh

the man song: an oldie, but a goodie. don't pay attention to the poor graphics ~ it's the song that's funny.

pool party

silly trivia quiz!

let me see your answers!

1. what show was i totally addicted to my first year of college?
a. the cosby show
b. miami vice
c. st. elsewhere
d. hill street blues

2. which of the following is not one of my favorite appetizers?
a. bbq wings
b. spinach and artichoke dip
c. chicken quesadilla
d. potato skins

3. which movie has made me cry every time i’ve seen it?
a. a walk to remember
b. bridges of madison county
c. steel magnolias
d. a beautiful mind

4. i am a _____ whore.
a. brand-name clothing
b. shoe
c. scrapbooking
d. purse

5. when playing a game of “who would you do”, i’d pick him first:
a. hugh jackman
b. brad pitt
c. johnny depp
d. patrick dempsey

6. i would like to buy this tv series on dvd:
a. cheers
b. thirtysomething
c. anything but love
d. mad about you

7. my favorite pms treat at the dairy queen is:
a. hot fudge sundae with nuts
b. peanut buster parfait
c. reese’s pieces blizzard
d. banana split with extra whipped cream

8. if i could change one thing about my appearance via surgery, it would be:
a. bigger boobs
b. wider smile
c. laser eye correction
d. tummy tuck

9. the last book i read for pleasure was:
a. me talk pretty one day
b. pride and prejudice
c. about a boy
d. marley and me

10. leo and i met:
a. at a basketball game
b. at a new year’s eve party
c. on a blind date
d. at the emmitt house

more than a gratuity is required

my sister julie spoke at church yesterday. afterwards, we went for lunch at dakota's. it was almost 1:30, so we had missed most of the "church crowd" that was there earlier.

one way that julie and i are alike is that we can talk to just about anyone about anything. our server's name at the restaurant was helen, and she was terrific ~ she worked her tail off and was as nice as she could be. every time she came to our table, we'd make small-talk with her, then the small-talk became a little bit longer with each visit.

julie mentioned in her teaching yesterday that sometimes christians make the worst restaurant customers. (she said she got ALL KINDS of looks from the audience when she threw that little pearl out.) at any rate, we decided to ask helen, "who are your worst customers?" ~ we clarified the meaning of worst as: demanding, rude, and impatient, along with poor-tipping. her answer, without hesistation: "church people."

we talked to helen for awhile about this, and then we decided to do a little informal survey. as helen called over different servers, julie posed the same question to all of them: "who are your worst customers?"

5 out of 6 of the servers said "church people" or "the church crowd" or "christians". they talked about dreading sunday shifts. one of them even mentioned a well-known family (in our community) by name and discussed how horribly they treat the staff. they described ranting customers who always leave having eaten for free, because they complained so much to the manager. i was embarrassed. (by the way, the 1 other vote was for "groups of old women". my apologies to any golden buckeyes out there reading this post.)

today, i googled this phrase: waiters say who are the worst customers. i found this great blog/article entitled "the dreaded church table" from relevant magazine, which is a christian publication. the author, daniel, who is a waiter, summed up his experience with church people in restaurants this way: (if you have time, though, read the entire article.)

so now every Sunday, i witness the painful, spiritual deaths of my (waiter) friends because those who are supposed to be saved treat them worse than those who have never even heard the message of Christ. if we don’t begin to love those whose job it is to serve, then the casualty rate on the front lines of the american church will continue to grow.

other articles/blogs on "church tables" in restaurants can be found here:

• http://www.str.org/site/News2?page=NewsArticle&id=6735
• http://seatmytable.blogspot.com/2006_04_01_archive.html

apparently, this isn't just a local problem.

pretty sad, huh?

i love you, grandma

the 16th anniversary of my grandmother's death is approaching. i can't believe it's been sixteen years. i miss her so much, it hurts sometimes. (sounds cliche, but it's true.)

her name was ruth evelyn cline. and she was the coolest. i mean, everyone thinks that their grandmother is awesome, but mine truly was.

grandma was rotten and ornery, incredibly smart and witty, compassionate yet stubborn. she was absolutely, whole-heartedly devoted to her grandchildren. in us, i believe, she found her greatest joy. it was her availability to all of us at anytime we needed her that was most endearing. i can honestly say ~ and I’m sure the other seven grandchildren would agree ~ that she was the most compelling example of unconditional love that we will ever know in our lifetime. she was our hero, our rock, and our biggest fan.

i remember so many little things about her, like the way she would prop her bare feet on the side of the refrigerator as she smoked her camel unfiltered cigarettes...the way she stood up to my staunch grandfather by referring to most of what he said as 'horseshit'...snuggling up beside her on the couch as she thumbed through catalogs ~ she would always lick her finger and turn the page, then point to pretty things with her perfectly polished fingernails (this was one of the most relaxing of my pastimes)...i can still smell her estee lauder body cream...still see the bedspread and sheets she bought for my college dorm room...still hear her driving instructions as we poked along in parking lots in bristol village...

but mostly i remember simply being welcome. welcome to come calling anytime to talk about anything.

i would have never made it through college without my grandmother. (the picture above was taken the day i graduated from morehead.) she supported julie and i both financially and emotionally. i remember being stressed in college and calling her ~ and she told me that everything was going to be okay...all i needed to do was "read a good dirty book." (she promptly threw a trashy novel in the mail, which i of course perused for long, descriptive sex scenes. she was correct by the way ~ it did take the edge off!)

we played alot of euchre. me, julie, grandma, and grandpa. she would let us drink alcohol in the safe confines of her kitchen, even though her own daughter (our mother) strongly objected to it (mind you, we were over 21). one time, in the middle of a euchre match, while nibbling on cheez-its and drinking our fuzzy navels, mom walked in the back door and caught us...oh man, mom was pissed! i think back on that now and just laugh...

the night before she died (she was going in for scheduled surgery), she was warming up wax on her kitchen stove so she could 'do' her upper lip. we were catching lightning bugs in her back yard, and i was pensively waiting on a phone call from a guy that i was semi-dating at the time. i gave her a kiss on the cheek and she said, "don't worry kids, i'm going to be fine." we believed her, of course. she could never leave us. it would just never happen.

we grandchildren were wounded beyond measure the next day. totally blind-sided.

the biggest regret that i have is that she never met the family that i have made for myself. my husband and children would have adored her as much as i still do. i often tease leo that if grandma were still alive, he would be smoking camel unfiltereds and eating lunch with her daily. she just had that kind of personality. you wanted to be with her.

when leo and i had kate, i insisted (and he totally agreed) that at least part of grandma's name be used with our daughter. thus, katharine ruth gillen. they are alike in so many ways, chiefly the stubborness and spunk. it's obviously inherent.

in a scrapbook that i made about my grandmother, there was a holiday picture of all of us grandchildren huddled around her on the floor of her living room. she was passing out packages ~ she loved christmas and could make the most wonderful bows! ~ but we weren't down there for the presents...

even at a very early age, we knew where the love came from.

perfectionistic list-maker with OCD tendencies

perfectionistic: first off, i had to delete that stupid "muskrat love" blog entry. i hated the entry as much as i hated the song.

list-maker: i'm about three hours in to my summer vacation and i've already made a list of 32 things that need to be done around here. i use the word "need" loosely, of course. the list includes a little bit of everything ~ from staining the back deck to cleaning out closets to checking out books at the library to read for pleasure, because when i'm working i never have time to read for pleasure. (here's a question for you though: if i have to add "read for pleasure" to my "things to do list", am i really doing it for pleasure? hmmm....i think only my therapist could answer that one.) i haven't even included "lay out in the pool" yet and get a tan because tan fat looks better than white fat.

as i stated in an earlier post, having something to look forward to (i.e. staying busy) helps me ward off the dog. the trick is to not stay soooo busy that i miss out on enjoying the ride.

ocd tendencies: dr. k. and i talked about these at my last visit. my list-making and journaling are my ways of combatting both the clinical depression and what appears to be some ocd.

this ocd thing has blatantly manifested itself in the most ridiculous way in the past few months ~ for example, i can't lie in bed and watch tv unless ALL of the dresser drawers are closed...and there can't be any clothes peeking out either. leo and i were in bed watching "the states" on the history channel the other night (we're dorks, but we LOVE that show!) and i was going nuts...a pair of his boxers were sticking out of the drawer, thus distracting me from learning everything i ever wanted to know about wyoming. i got up, calmly went to the dresser, pushed the boxers back in, and climbed back under the covers. leo cracked up, as did i. yep, he's married to a freak. thank goodness he's so patient with me.

dr. k. talked to me about learning to leave the dresser drawers open, metaphorically of course. i have 32 dresser drawers open for the summer already, and many more are bound to crack open and spill their contents into my life, i'm sure. my prayer for the next couple of months is to be content with closing only as many as i can, and realizing that if i don't get to all of them, i'm still a pretty okay person.

sister, can you spare a ride?

i was coming out of domino's pizza, and there he was. jerry. a former classmate of mine. i almost didn't recognize him ~ his hair is very long and, like mine, is starting to gray. he's so thin, but then again, he always was wiry. i made eye contact with him and put up my hand to wave. he stared at me, intently, and asked, "smitty?".

yes, jerry, it's me.

jerry was drunk. not fall-down drunk, but he was pretty wasted. he was trying to maneuver a rickety old bicycle and simultaneously carry the case of beer that he had just bought at the speedway gas station. i asked him if he was okay, and he said he needed two dollars.

"i only have a five, jerry. it's yours if you need it."

he takes the money and says that what he really needs is a ride ~ his buddies are drinking about a block away and he has been sent on the latest beer run.

"smitty, if the cops catch me drunk on this bike, with this beer, i'm in big trouble."

"get in the car, jerry."

now, i have to admit, at this point, part of me is wondering what the heck i'm doing. but i silently throw up a quick prayer and tell god to be my co-pilot for the next couple of minutes.

you see, jerry has been in prison...several times. he is also HIV positive (although some maintain that he has full-blown AIDS). whether this is the result of his intensive drug use or devastating events that happened to him in prison is anybody's guess. and while we shouldn't judge someone by his outward appearance, jerry definitely looks the part of a junkie ~ a poor soul whose body has been ravaged by drugs, alcohol, and life circumstances too horrific to imagine.

so, jerry loads himself and his case of beer into the back seat of my car. he leaves the bike by a lamp post in the speedway parking lot.

"smitty, we used to play in your back yard together, didn't we?"

"yes, we did jerry. those were some good times."

"i really need to talk to you, smitty. can i have your phone number?"

"call the church, jerry. they will put you in touch with someone who can help."

"but i want to talk to you."

"i'm sorry, jerry, i can't give you my home phone number."

i feel bad about this, but common sense says that there is no way i can give him my home phone number. in all honesty, it's a safety issue.

within no time, we reach his destination.

"just pull up the alley here, smitty. those are my buddies."

so up the alley i go, and there they are ~ about ten very inebriated shirtless and tattooed men.

"don't worry smitty, they won't hurt you."

now, this statement throws me. i'm not scared at all. his friends could care less that i'm there. they just want their beer, i'm sure. it's not like i'm getting out of the car...i'm just dropping off the guy they sent on a run. but there's something almost protective in jerry's voice. like he genuinely appreciates me giving him a ride, and he would never let anything happen to me.

then he said something that broke my heart:

"jodi, hurry and get out of here. i wouldn't want anyone to see you in this alley with ME."

oh jerry.

"just call the church, jerry. please. here's the number."

this whole scenario didn't last more than three minutes, but it has left me thinking about hope. is jerry beyond hope? i mean, really...it would take an ABSOLUTE MIRACLE for him to 'make it'. is it possible that he could have ever had a moment of sincere interaction with christ and known him, even if it was only for a second? is he doomed to hell? do miracles still happen? how am i, or anyone else for that matter, supposed to help him? 'cause i don't think i can help him.

what do we do about all of the jerry's in the world?