apologies

to my friends and family out there who've been feeling neglected...

my dear husband, my sister julie, and my doc will testify to the fact that i've been in quite a funk for the past few weeks. yes, your phone calls and emails have gone unreturned. and no, i'm not proud of that. there have been times recently when i haven't had the energy to dial the phone, let alone engage in conversation.  and here's the deal, i would have engaged in phony, happy conversation with you, and you would have never known that i've felt more hopeless lately than i have since my initial diagnosis in 1997.  it's the pretending that gets me...

pretending is so exhausting. 

pretending that i'm okay.  right now, i'm not okay.  but maybe, i'm getting better.

i finally saw my wonderful doc yesterday, who is so patient and understanding and reassuring with me.  no, i'm not f ' ed up.  yes, i have a brain disease.  no, i'm not going crazy.  yes, it feels like it.  when you're in the fog, you only see the fog.  you don't realize there's a bright sun and beautiful blue sky out there.  you try to take people on faith, that everything will work out...but when everything around you is clouded and skewed, you begin to doubt yourself...your sanity...and the fear becomes all-consuming.

if i could only describe that fear for you...

i prayed for my doctor all day yesterday before my appointment, asking God to give him wisdom and the right words to say.  we have changed my medication, effective immediately.  i had been on lexapro since 2002.  doc said maybe it was time to shake things up a bit, just in case the lexapro had pooped out.  i agreed. (if you could all throw up a little prayer for me and my new drug regimen, i would appreciate it.)

the fear that comes with this disease causes me to doubt my worthiness of god's love and mercy.  in times like these, i find that, like the tax collector in Luke 18:13, i am unable to look to heaven, but instead continually pray, "God, be merciful to me, a sinner."

and i cry in comforted thanksgiving at this piece from brennan manning that i posted a few months ago...