dancing with the dog

those of you familiar with my blog, or even my life, know that i refer to my battle with depression as the "black dog". there are times when i feel that the dog and i have come to an understanding; i realize that when he is not with me, he is, in actuality, simply living in another room, waiting for his cue to come and join me.

for me, the key word in that last sentence is "cue".

depression is much easier to understand when it has been activated (or cued) by a particular event. when there appears to be no cue, and the dog comes running in anyways...well, that's when i tend to doubt my sanity. seriously.

the dog came to play a couple of weeks ago. for no good reason. he was ever-present for over a week, and then slowly started to retreat for increasing amounts of time, until he was no longer around.

i didn't tell anyone. not leo. not my dearest friends. no one.

my concentration was blown, my sleep was erratic, my mind was on over-drive, my anxiety was physically manifesting itself. so i doubled my meds, and i still kept the secret. (my acting skills are extremely good.)

why am i still hiding the dog from the people i love and trust?

maybe this public confesson of a private dance with the dog will help me the next time.

maybe next time, i'll ask one of you to join me in the dance.