the dog

It's snowing. A bunch. No school. No school since last Thursday. For me, this is not a good thing.

I shared with my friend (the sweet and adorable Jen F.) at church the other day that I need to be at work. Work is good. Leisure is not.

I am probably the only teacher that you will ever meet that dreads summer vacation.

When my life is not structured ~ when there's no routine to follow ~ when I have no "purpose" for getting up in the morning, I am frightened. I am inundated with emotion driven by a fear of losing control.

I wasn't always like this.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression exactly ten years ago. Perhaps this is the reason why I've found myself on a very slippery slope for the past week. Yes, I take my meds. Yes, I did the whole therapy thing (which was fantastic). Yes, I have wonderful friends and a doctor who totally "gets" me and my disease.

But when the fear comes back, whether slowly trickling in, or suddenly attacking, it's still just as paralyzing as it was the first time...

Winston Churchill called depression "the black dog". He stated that at certain times in his life, the black dog would simply show up...and proceed to follow him from room to room. No matter where he was, what he was doing, or who he was with, the black dog was crouching in the corner ~ watching every move he made. Gradually, the dog would stop hanging around, until finally, it was nowhere to be found. Then, out of the blue, the dog would reappear again.

I hate this dog.

I am grateful today, however, for the moments of "normalcy" that I've experienced over the past couple of days. They give me hope that the dog is simply lurking around, instead of hunkering down for the long haul.

So ~ my prayer for today is that God will continue to have mercy on me, the chief of sinners, and that he will continue to strengthen me so that I may be of service to Him and His children.