maybe i'm just feeling hormonal

a friend of mine frequently quotes the bumper-sticker slogan "mean people suck." i don't know that i've ever heard of a statement that so crudely, succinctly, and yet so accurately defines a subgroup of humanity. she's right.  mean people do, in fact, suck.

i was putting up my outside christmas lights today (seeing as how it was over 70 degrees and this must be indian summer and who knows, we could have snow on the ground tomorrow) and reflecting on the past year...and boy what a year it has been...and wow, have i had the misfortune of being around some really mean people.  egads.  i was speaking with a pastor from another church this evening about my disillusionment with folks in general, and asking him what the deal was.  i mean, really.  what's the deal? 

i've heard psychologists and counselors and tv personalities like dr. phil say that there is always a "pay-off" for behavior.  and so i'm asking...what's the pay-off?  hey, you mean folks out there...what are you getting out of it?  seriously.  which fruit of the spirit are you cultivating...love (agape), joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness, or self-control???  pick one, and explain please...

cause i'm curious about the pay-off.

"one great use of words is to hide our thoughts." - voltaire

it seems that over the course of the past two weeks (since julie's messages about the power of words), i have been abnormally subjected to some really bad ones!  while trying in earnest to watch my own tongue, and often doing a pretty lousy job of it, i have, at the same time, become increasingly aware of the truth behind the following:

"great talker, great liar."  ~ french proverb

i was told once that liars never stop talking.  a gentleman i know who used to work in law enforcement stated that the "guilty ones" always refused to shut up.  perhaps while trying to convince the authorities of their innocence they were trying to convince themselves as well.  i've seen this alot lately.  my students are bad about it, of course, and so are my own kids.  yes, i do it too.  we all lie.  but i've experienced this recently with someone who's a real pro. and he/she (i won't say which) scares the bejeebers out of me! 

"flattery is all right so long as you don't inhale.” ~ adlai stevenson

my mother told me once when i was in college to "beware the flatterer".  well, amen, mother.  i get it.  i totally get it.  words definitely have the power to inspire confidence and esteem; i love to compliment others (perhaps because i like to be complimented myself), but there is certainly a fine line between building someone up and being a complete phony.  honestly, don't we all realize when someone is insincere?  sometimes, don't we just want to say..."thanks, but i'm not inhaling this time". 

"it's not what you say.  it's how you say it."

ouch.  this one hurts me the most.  hey, i'm not innocent of committing this crime.  i'm probably at my worst with my own kids.  but man.  i don't take a disrespectful tone with my peers because they are...well...my peers.

so perhaps the childhood adage of:

if you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all, is still the best way to go.

 i'm still working on that one, too.

it's nothing serious

an individual recently commented (to me, in person) that she enjoyed reading my blog but noticed i hadn't really written about anything deep or serious lately.

hmmm...not sure what she was implying, but she seemed disappointed.

as i've stated in previous posts, when i started this blog i genuinely thought that it was a place where i could be completely open and honest about stuff going on in my life.

what on EARTH was i thinking???

while i relish the opportunity to share my struggles with depression and possibly be a source of hope, information, and comfort to others on the same journey, i have learned the hard way NOT to talk about certain things...'CAUSE THIS BLOGOSPHERE IS JUST TOO SMALL. (plus, i live in a community where your business quickly becomes everyone else's business anyways.)

honesty in my blog, i believe, has lead to me being accused of things i haven't done, and potentially hurting people i don't mean to hurt. would i love to tell you about situations and people at work that disappoint me? you bet. but i can't. the same goes for hurful feelings about family and friends and fellow church members. i don't dare breathe a word about those things on here (anymore). it's just not worth it.

don't read my blog if your looking for the bad stuff...because it's not coming. i will continue to be honest about things and people and experiences that i love or make me smile. i will continue to be honest about my depression, just in case it helps someone else.

but in terms of gut-wrenching "let me tell you about my crappy day and all the crappy people in it", forget it.

i'd rather talk to god about my "stuff".

i just don't trust the world out there.

bullseye on my back

i've had the worst week.

rather yukky events from the past month culminated wednesday with me finally throwing my hands in the air and giving up. wait...maybe "giving up" isn't accurate. perhaps i am finally choosing to accept the fact that i absolutely can NOT control everything going on around me.

while i have, in the past, chosen to not reveal everything in my posts for fear of what others may think...now i've decided, what the heck? so here's the deal...

about a month ago, two separate co-workers approached me (thankfully) with a story that was floating around. rumor was, i had an "intensely angry" meeting with my superintendent, mrs. francis, in her office. supposedly, i was complaining that my niece, taylor, was not allowed to be on quiz bowl because her basketball coaches wouldn't allow it.

this is a completely made-up story. i spoke with mrs. francis this week about this rumor, which we both jokingly acknowledged as utter rubbish. in fact, i had not conversed with mrs. francis since last summer. we have no idea how this got started...but my name is out there floating around as being a royal witch to my boss. there are a few other facets to this rumor which i also discussed with mrs. f. and were cleared up instantly.

i'm grateful that my co-workers were honest enough to tell me what was happening. but still, i had to make sure that the basketball coaches, as well as my principal, understood that the story was purely fictional.

this week, mrs. f. came to ask me about another rumor floating around about me (specifically my name had been mentioned) complaining about a decision that she had made last week (regarding a school delay). again...not true.

now to be honest, i hear a lot of complaining from all kinds of people about all kinds of things. complaints from parents and co-workers (in the junior high as well as in the other three buildings) alike. and while i hear alot, i rarely repeat. in fact, the circle of people that i trust has recently become much smaller.

so anyways, my superintendent sweetly and graciously listens as i tell her that i have not been spreading rumors about her, nor was i upset by her decision last week. and while she was receptive to what i had to say, i realized that in many ways it doesn't matter because...

for whatever reason, my name is getting tied to alot of "crap" within my district. i honestly don't know why. now, i am far from perfect, and i've made a lot of MAJOR mistakes in my life. i readily admit to that. i take ownership of that. but doggone it, don't accuse me of stuff i HAVEN'T done.

i feel like, through no fault of my own, my name is tarnished right now. and there's not a darn thing i can do about it...barring asking mrs. francis to issue a memo clearing me of all wrong doing. i can't help but think that my principal is beginning to wonder just what kind of a trouble-maker i am. and this kills me.

any of you who truly know me understand that i am an incredible control freak, who worries desperately about what other people think. yes, i am a people-pleaser. no, i don't want anyone to hate me or think bad thoughts. now i am dealing with situations that i can't control that involve people saying untrue things. i'm being double-whammied!

is this the worst thing in the world? heck no. is it wearing me out? heck yes. for the first time in my teaching career, i am not wanting to go to work. i want out of the fray.

leo said i need to decide whether i am going to lower myself and join the fray, or rise above it. this post is not meant to imply that i am joining it. i just don't know how to fight the invisible enemy. perhaps there is no fighting it at all...

*heavy sigh*

arghhhh!!!!

i'm feeling really frustrated.

while i had initially hoped that this blog would provide an honest outlet for my emotions, i am not successfully achieving that objective.

i am not allowing myself to be genuine with, specifically, my anger and frustration, because my blog is being read by others. and let's face it, people do talk and make judgements.

i mentioned last week that i feel bad about letting others down. but to be rather blunt, i am feeling let down by others and i don't really know what to do about it. it's not just work, or at home...it's everywhere.

leo says that i bring most of this on myself. i need to either learn to say "no" or check my motives for saying "yes". he's absolutely right. my anger and frustration stem from this very principle.

i'm tired.

i'm tired of going the extra mile, for what seems like everyone else, without even an acknowledgment of thanks. especially at work.

i'm tired of feeling unappreciated.

i'm tired of being counted on automatically, to do a little bit of everything.

i'm tired of not being heard.

i'm tired of being at everyone else's convenience.

i'm tired of being an after-thought.

i'm feeling dried up, used up, and taken for granted.

i'm tired of other adults talking to me in tones that i would never dream of taking with them.

in short, i'm pissed.

and i'm not apologizing for saying that i'm pissed, either. think less about me if you want to. at this moment, i don't really care. i've spent my whole life apologizing for everything, and lately, that habit's been creeping back in. i can't go back to that. i can't go back to making apologies. it's too exhausting. and i'm already exhausted.

i need refilled.