I live my life passionately
with big laughs,
big smiles,
big tears
and the saddest most pitiful frown,
you ever saw on a lonely girl.

I live my life loudly
screaming at the top of my lungs,
singing at the top of my heart,
scratching with the tops of my nails,
and biting.

I live for love, loss, and laughter,
have been known to lust...rarely to cuss,
but am heading for the everafter.

- robinella

Post script to my musically inclined friends:

Check out this webpage. Her music is wonderfully soulful. "Press On" is amazingly spiritual, almost haunting. And...her art is adorable.

honesty

i teach 8th grade students with learning disabilities and cognitive delays. for most of them, learning difficulties are the least of their problems. several of my kids already have probation officers and are on a first-name basis with the police and judges in town. i have one poor "child" who has a seven-month old baby. she misses alot of school, as you can imagine.

when you were in school, what was your opinion of special education students?

mine was not good. i was never mean to them, but i certainly didn't go out of my way to be nice to them either. they were losers. druggies. future prison inmates. yep, i was already a christian...i just hadn't understood the lesson of grace yet.

when i was offered my current job, i thought, "nope ~ can't do it." and if i wanted to be really honest, i would probably admit that in the back of my mind i was thinking, "they're losers, druggies, future prison inmates."

but i took the job. and i LOVE it.

had it not been for my God, my church, and certain life experiences, i would probably still be clinging to the easy labels that i tend to put on people. in this case, it was the label i was putting on these kids before i ever really knew them.

steve was talking this morning about compassion. oh my gosh. he really ended with a bang. i wanted to "amen" him so badly i could hardly stand it. Jesus gave the bread to his disciples and said " YOU feed them."

i have been called to feed my kids. yes, they are my kids. and i am extremely protective of them. God has asked me to love the "unlovable". and i do. it's only because He first loved me that i am able to love them.

i have been able to build honest relationships with my kids. they know that i love them and that there is no judgement. consequently, they tell me things that only reinforce steve's message of compassion.

recently, i asked them to write in their journals what they would change about their families, if they could. they were brutally honest. their responses included desires for their moms and dads to:

• get out of jail
• stop doing coke
• stop drinking
• stop fighting
• stop going out on each other
• go to church
• have money to pay bills

one of my boys said, "sorry mrs. gillen. i just want the bullshit to stop in my house". he was just being honest.

so, as far as the lesson in compassion goes...

i'm doing okay with it at work. i don't slap the labels on my kids. but let me be honest, the tendency is still there to put other people in a box. shame on me.

my prayer for today is that God will increase my compassion for others, the same way that He has allowed me to love my students. i am so incredibly grateful to Him for my job, but in other areas of my life...

i am still a work in progress.

beauty

You can take no credit for beauty at sixteen.

But if you are beautiful at sixty,

it will be your own soul's doing.

- Marie Stopes

totally mellowed out

okay, guys, it's time to fess up...

how many of you have NOT clicked on that link below and had yourself some bob ross??? my next question to you would be "why the heck not"???

i've been writing IEPs for the past three hours now ~ and i've listened to at least six episodes of joy of painting.

i feel unbelievably mellow...

these will probably be the best IEPs i've ever done. :)

grey's logic #1

I've heard that it's possible to grow up -
I've just never met anyone who's actually done it.
Without parents to defy,
we break the rules we make for ourselves.
We throw tantrums when things don't go our way,
we whisper secrets with our best friends in the dark,
we look for comfort where we can find it,
and we hope -
against all logic, against all experience.
Like children, we never give up hope.

the writers of grey's anatomy hit the nail on the head quite often. that's one of meredith's soliloquies up there. and it's true of me.

i break the rules i make for myself.

i throw tantrums when things don't go my way. the tantrums are sometimes in front of true friends, but most often they are internal...played out in my mind while trying to fall asleep.

i share secrets with a best friend. she knows exactly what haunts me. and there is no judgement.

i look for comfort where i can find it. i am lucky. i know where my comfort is.

and against all of the logic that this world throws at me, i hope.

against all that life experience tells me, i still hope.

i foolishly hope.

oh God, i hope.

it takes all kinds

oh my gosh.

i was checkin' out new york jodi's site today, and she listed a link to her friend kyria's blog.

go to kyria's blog.

oh my gosh.

talk about hilarious!!! you have to read her entry for today ~ it makes me rethink my desire to visit nyc!!!

enjoy. and if it doesn't make you laugh, or at least smile, then we need to talk.

- jodi

happy little trees

i love bob ross. i mean it...I LOVE HIM!!!

you know the bob ross i'm talking about ~ joy of painting ~ afro ~ a voice that's indescribably soft and smooth and tranquil. i read on a message board once that bob ross was both the perfect thing to watch and/or listen to while getting stoned and then again later when you're coming off a hangover or buzz. take your pick ~ anytime is a good time for some bob.

bob ross + you tube = pure genius. now, while i'm working on my computer i can listen to bob.

good grief, this man is relaxing. right now, as i'm typing this, he's painting a place "where a little mountain goat can hide". of course he's already painted happy little trees, discussed how "God was having a good day when he made Alaska", beaten "the devil out of the brush", and reminded us that "we don't make mistakes...we only have happy accidents."

one of the many things i like about bob is that when he is painting trees, he never paints just one ~ he always gives him (the tree) a friend. bob says in almost every episode, "you know me, i think everybody needs a friend." amen, brother. preach on.

if you haven't listened to or watched bob in a while, check him out on the link below. tell me that your heart rate hasn't dropped a little, or your muscles haven't relaxed, or you simply don't feel better after spending some time with him. it's my both my challenge and my gift to you.

i love you, my friends.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9gH_38KPUkg

jodi-licious!

Just when I was thinking there were no happy surprises in store for me yesterday...

I heard from ny jodi! She found my blog and shared it with a friend, who in turn has introduced me to the most awesome adjective ever:

"Jodi-licious"

I'm totally diggin' it!!!

the dog

It's snowing. A bunch. No school. No school since last Thursday. For me, this is not a good thing.

I shared with my friend (the sweet and adorable Jen F.) at church the other day that I need to be at work. Work is good. Leisure is not.

I am probably the only teacher that you will ever meet that dreads summer vacation.

When my life is not structured ~ when there's no routine to follow ~ when I have no "purpose" for getting up in the morning, I am frightened. I am inundated with emotion driven by a fear of losing control.

I wasn't always like this.

I was diagnosed with clinical depression exactly ten years ago. Perhaps this is the reason why I've found myself on a very slippery slope for the past week. Yes, I take my meds. Yes, I did the whole therapy thing (which was fantastic). Yes, I have wonderful friends and a doctor who totally "gets" me and my disease.

But when the fear comes back, whether slowly trickling in, or suddenly attacking, it's still just as paralyzing as it was the first time...

Winston Churchill called depression "the black dog". He stated that at certain times in his life, the black dog would simply show up...and proceed to follow him from room to room. No matter where he was, what he was doing, or who he was with, the black dog was crouching in the corner ~ watching every move he made. Gradually, the dog would stop hanging around, until finally, it was nowhere to be found. Then, out of the blue, the dog would reappear again.

I hate this dog.

I am grateful today, however, for the moments of "normalcy" that I've experienced over the past couple of days. They give me hope that the dog is simply lurking around, instead of hunkering down for the long haul.

So ~ my prayer for today is that God will continue to have mercy on me, the chief of sinners, and that he will continue to strengthen me so that I may be of service to Him and His children.

new york jodi

I am a Jodi.

There is a theory, however, that has been tossed around my family for years that I may, in fact, be a Julie. The theory has evolved because I have a twin sister and we may have been, as in any good soap opera, "switched" at birth.

But I don't buy it. I am definitely a Jodi.

A couple of months ago, I Googled myself. (You've done that before, right?) At any rate, cool things popped up, including this website, http://www.jodiverse.com/ , the title of which cracked me up: "Because I Say So! Bite-sized bits of tender bitchiness from your favorite wandering Jew." Jodi, a Jewish New Yorker. I was immediately hooked.

I read several of Jodi's blog entries and checked out her photos of New York ~ which are great, by the way ~ and after signing her guest book, decided to shoot her an email. She wrote me back. Happy surprise. :)

She is, as are her blogs, honest and witty and warm. And although I've never met her, she's someone I already like. We both stated how there just aren't very many of us 'Jodis' in the world ~ I mean really ~ when was the last time someone you know had a baby and named it Jodi???

You see, I've always wanted to visit New York. My husband has said that I would never survive a trip to NY ~ that the town would "chew me up and spit me out". But I don't think so...I think I could handle it. Everyone needs to see the Statue of Liberty, take a walk down Broadway, and buy illegally-made faux-designer purses in Chinatown...wouldn't you agree!?

I like to think that like my New York counterpart, I too am witty and honest and warm. I have envisioned Jodi to be pretty daring and brave ~ I think you'd probably have to be to live in NY. I want to be more like her in that regard ~ a little more unafraid to take chances ~ more open to adventure.

Who knows what happy surprises may lay on the other side of my reticence!?!?