true confessions

beginning of conversation in my classroom:

"mrs. gillen, i flunked my test."

"what test was that, jon?"

"my drug test."

"uh-oh. wanna tell me what happened?"

one of my students was pulled out of class yesterday by his probation officer for the results of his most recent random drug test. yep, he failed it. he never told me how or what drugs he was taking. but for some reason, he felt the need to share the result with me anyways.

part of me felt like jon (not his real name, by the way) was actually testing me to see if i would be shocked or angry or feel anything for him at all.

unlike jon, i'm not usually brave enough to test those waters. i'm not courageous enough to empty my soul and reveal my shortcomings. i'm a perfectionist. you can't see me in any other light. i won't let you.

seriously, what if i got real and said to you...

here's how i've screwed up. i mean, really screwed up. are you still here? are you still hangin' in there with me? because, man, i'm not perfect. i am so not perfect. I want to do what is right, but I can’t. I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. (Romans 7:20). i am a mess. i've flunked the test. do you still love me?

i struggle with jealousy and fear and lying and selfishness and gossip and anger and being unable to forgive. i don't pray like i should, read the bible like i should, or spend time with jesus like i should. i say cuss words when i'm angry and sometimes when i am just being a flat-out idiot. i am guilty of tearing other people down to make myself look better. i say "yes" when i really mean "no". i roll my eyes at my husband when he's not looking. and this is merely scratching the superficial surface. i'm pretty yukky.

end of conversation in my classroom:

"hey jon."

"yeah?"

"i still love you, buddy."

"i know. (and then he paused for about ten seconds and said) i love you too, mrs. gillen."