bullseye on my back

i've had the worst week.

rather yukky events from the past month culminated wednesday with me finally throwing my hands in the air and giving up. wait...maybe "giving up" isn't accurate. perhaps i am finally choosing to accept the fact that i absolutely can NOT control everything going on around me.

while i have, in the past, chosen to not reveal everything in my posts for fear of what others may think...now i've decided, what the heck? so here's the deal...

about a month ago, two separate co-workers approached me (thankfully) with a story that was floating around. rumor was, i had an "intensely angry" meeting with my superintendent, mrs. francis, in her office. supposedly, i was complaining that my niece, taylor, was not allowed to be on quiz bowl because her basketball coaches wouldn't allow it.

this is a completely made-up story. i spoke with mrs. francis this week about this rumor, which we both jokingly acknowledged as utter rubbish. in fact, i had not conversed with mrs. francis since last summer. we have no idea how this got started...but my name is out there floating around as being a royal witch to my boss. there are a few other facets to this rumor which i also discussed with mrs. f. and were cleared up instantly.

i'm grateful that my co-workers were honest enough to tell me what was happening. but still, i had to make sure that the basketball coaches, as well as my principal, understood that the story was purely fictional.

this week, mrs. f. came to ask me about another rumor floating around about me (specifically my name had been mentioned) complaining about a decision that she had made last week (regarding a school delay). again...not true.

now to be honest, i hear a lot of complaining from all kinds of people about all kinds of things. complaints from parents and co-workers (in the junior high as well as in the other three buildings) alike. and while i hear alot, i rarely repeat. in fact, the circle of people that i trust has recently become much smaller.

so anyways, my superintendent sweetly and graciously listens as i tell her that i have not been spreading rumors about her, nor was i upset by her decision last week. and while she was receptive to what i had to say, i realized that in many ways it doesn't matter because...

for whatever reason, my name is getting tied to alot of "crap" within my district. i honestly don't know why. now, i am far from perfect, and i've made a lot of MAJOR mistakes in my life. i readily admit to that. i take ownership of that. but doggone it, don't accuse me of stuff i HAVEN'T done.

i feel like, through no fault of my own, my name is tarnished right now. and there's not a darn thing i can do about it...barring asking mrs. francis to issue a memo clearing me of all wrong doing. i can't help but think that my principal is beginning to wonder just what kind of a trouble-maker i am. and this kills me.

any of you who truly know me understand that i am an incredible control freak, who worries desperately about what other people think. yes, i am a people-pleaser. no, i don't want anyone to hate me or think bad thoughts. now i am dealing with situations that i can't control that involve people saying untrue things. i'm being double-whammied!

is this the worst thing in the world? heck no. is it wearing me out? heck yes. for the first time in my teaching career, i am not wanting to go to work. i want out of the fray.

leo said i need to decide whether i am going to lower myself and join the fray, or rise above it. this post is not meant to imply that i am joining it. i just don't know how to fight the invisible enemy. perhaps there is no fighting it at all...

*heavy sigh*