i love you, grandma

the 16th anniversary of my grandmother's death is approaching. i can't believe it's been sixteen years. i miss her so much, it hurts sometimes. (sounds cliche, but it's true.)

her name was ruth evelyn cline. and she was the coolest. i mean, everyone thinks that their grandmother is awesome, but mine truly was.

grandma was rotten and ornery, incredibly smart and witty, compassionate yet stubborn. she was absolutely, whole-heartedly devoted to her grandchildren. in us, i believe, she found her greatest joy. it was her availability to all of us at anytime we needed her that was most endearing. i can honestly say ~ and I’m sure the other seven grandchildren would agree ~ that she was the most compelling example of unconditional love that we will ever know in our lifetime. she was our hero, our rock, and our biggest fan.

i remember so many little things about her, like the way she would prop her bare feet on the side of the refrigerator as she smoked her camel unfiltered cigarettes...the way she stood up to my staunch grandfather by referring to most of what he said as 'horseshit'...snuggling up beside her on the couch as she thumbed through catalogs ~ she would always lick her finger and turn the page, then point to pretty things with her perfectly polished fingernails (this was one of the most relaxing of my pastimes)...i can still smell her estee lauder body cream...still see the bedspread and sheets she bought for my college dorm room...still hear her driving instructions as we poked along in parking lots in bristol village...

but mostly i remember simply being welcome. welcome to come calling anytime to talk about anything.

i would have never made it through college without my grandmother. (the picture above was taken the day i graduated from morehead.) she supported julie and i both financially and emotionally. i remember being stressed in college and calling her ~ and she told me that everything was going to be okay...all i needed to do was "read a good dirty book." (she promptly threw a trashy novel in the mail, which i of course perused for long, descriptive sex scenes. she was correct by the way ~ it did take the edge off!)

we played alot of euchre. me, julie, grandma, and grandpa. she would let us drink alcohol in the safe confines of her kitchen, even though her own daughter (our mother) strongly objected to it (mind you, we were over 21). one time, in the middle of a euchre match, while nibbling on cheez-its and drinking our fuzzy navels, mom walked in the back door and caught us...oh man, mom was pissed! i think back on that now and just laugh...

the night before she died (she was going in for scheduled surgery), she was warming up wax on her kitchen stove so she could 'do' her upper lip. we were catching lightning bugs in her back yard, and i was pensively waiting on a phone call from a guy that i was semi-dating at the time. i gave her a kiss on the cheek and she said, "don't worry kids, i'm going to be fine." we believed her, of course. she could never leave us. it would just never happen.

we grandchildren were wounded beyond measure the next day. totally blind-sided.

the biggest regret that i have is that she never met the family that i have made for myself. my husband and children would have adored her as much as i still do. i often tease leo that if grandma were still alive, he would be smoking camel unfiltereds and eating lunch with her daily. she just had that kind of personality. you wanted to be with her.

when leo and i had kate, i insisted (and he totally agreed) that at least part of grandma's name be used with our daughter. thus, katharine ruth gillen. they are alike in so many ways, chiefly the stubborness and spunk. it's obviously inherent.

in a scrapbook that i made about my grandmother, there was a holiday picture of all of us grandchildren huddled around her on the floor of her living room. she was passing out packages ~ she loved christmas and could make the most wonderful bows! ~ but we weren't down there for the presents...

even at a very early age, we knew where the love came from.