thanks, doc

i met one of my heroes today. henry cloud. what an awesome guy.

jenn and i went to hear him speak at the women of faith pre-conference. he was everything i thought he would be and more (including pretty attractive!) he signed two books for me, and i was able to look him directly in the eye and personally thank him for his writings and his honesty. he then looked me in the eye and said thank you. i know this is going to sound really corny, but for one brief second, i felt like we both shared a moment of genuine appreciation.

henry cloud was the first person ~ or i should say 'christian' person ~ who gave me permission to be flawed. he was the first to say that my depression was a disease instead of a condition brought on by a lapse in judgement, crisis of faith, sinful behavior, or weakness of character. he, along with my new church at the time, helped define 'grace' for me. he taught me that as a christian, i am not immune to life's difficulties. he convinced me that i did not have to feel guilty about my affliction or abandoned by God. it was he that described how God has gifted others to help all of us in the midst of crisis ~ be they friends, physicians, or therapists. from him, I have learned that i can allow my disease to increase my compassion, and therefore offer comfort to others. one of the first statements of cloud's that i ever read is one that i draw on over and over again...it's something like my own personal mission statement:

God's word teaches that the most comforting people in the world,
are those who have been comforted; the most understanding people are those who have been understood; and the most loving people are those who have been loved.

it is only because i have been comforted, understood, and loved that i am able to offer that to others.

interestingly, the leader of the pre-conference told dr. cloud how amazed she was at the amount of grace he was offering to those looking for answers to difficult questions. we were talking this week at work about the idea of grace ~ or should i say the lack of grace ~ in so many churches. one of my co-workers was relating a story in which a young woman said that if she were going through a divorce or any other difficult life experience, the church would be the last place she would go to seek comfort, prayer, and advice for fear of judgement. dr. cloud reminded us today that God did not come into the world to judge or condemn it, but to seek and save those who were lost.

this needs to be added to my 'mission statement', as a reminder of God's mercy and need for my own daily humility.

arghhhh!!!!

i'm feeling really frustrated.

while i had initially hoped that this blog would provide an honest outlet for my emotions, i am not successfully achieving that objective.

i am not allowing myself to be genuine with, specifically, my anger and frustration, because my blog is being read by others. and let's face it, people do talk and make judgements.

i mentioned last week that i feel bad about letting others down. but to be rather blunt, i am feeling let down by others and i don't really know what to do about it. it's not just work, or at home...it's everywhere.

leo says that i bring most of this on myself. i need to either learn to say "no" or check my motives for saying "yes". he's absolutely right. my anger and frustration stem from this very principle.

i'm tired.

i'm tired of going the extra mile, for what seems like everyone else, without even an acknowledgment of thanks. especially at work.

i'm tired of feeling unappreciated.

i'm tired of being counted on automatically, to do a little bit of everything.

i'm tired of not being heard.

i'm tired of being at everyone else's convenience.

i'm tired of being an after-thought.

i'm feeling dried up, used up, and taken for granted.

i'm tired of other adults talking to me in tones that i would never dream of taking with them.

in short, i'm pissed.

and i'm not apologizing for saying that i'm pissed, either. think less about me if you want to. at this moment, i don't really care. i've spent my whole life apologizing for everything, and lately, that habit's been creeping back in. i can't go back to that. i can't go back to making apologies. it's too exhausting. and i'm already exhausted.

i need refilled.

oh my gosh, she's got red hair

those were the first words uttered by my ob-gyn when kate was born.

since then, her father and i have been asked this question A MILLION times:

"where does the red hair come from?"

i know it's a conversation starter, but how do people that you don't know expect you to honestly answer that question? leo and i have been asked this by everyone from the baggage handler at orlando international airport to the produce guy at kroger's. so ultimately, i find myself delivering the following explanantion to complete strangers:

well, red hair is a double-recessive trait, which means that her father is a carrier of the gene for red hair and i am a carrier for the gene too. leo's grandmother was a red-head. and as for me, i had a great-aunt and uncle who were twins, and they had red hair. and since i'm a twin, the red-head gene must have been lurking about in my dna somewhere. if you complete a mendelian-based punnett square of our alleles, you'll see that we probably had a 25% chance of having a red-headed child. at least that's what my ob-gyn and our family doctor have told us. does that answer your question?

kate's red hair suits her. she displays, what i would call, the typical personality characteristics of a red head: stubborn, fiery, and tough. "tough" seems like a rather generic adjective, but kate is exactly that. the girl is tough as nails. emotionally and physically.

last year, ian slammed the car door completely shut on kate's finger. i freaked, opened the door, and her finger had a deep crease in it. i don't know how it didn't break. we ran into my parents' house (we were in their driveway) to ice her hand down, and kate was determined not to lose it. my dad looked at her,and told her it was okay to cry if it hurt, and she finally did. surprisingly. once she digs her heels in, she usually doesn't budge.

i often joke that i pity any boy that becomes interested in kate when she gets older. she will definitely wear the pants in all of her relationships, which i think will be a very good thing.

so i have this beautiful red-headed daughter whom i cherish so deeply it sometimes amazes me.

i love you, kate. happy birthday.

beyonce + jodi =

okay, so i've changed the name of my blog. for you newcomers, "jodi-licious" was part of a comment made by a friend of new york jodi's in response to a previous post.

i must admit, "jodi-licious" sounds like some sort of wicked porn name ~ still, it was on the urging of my pastor's wife and beautiful friend that i adopt "jodi-licious" as my blog title, so that makes it perfectly legit.

a couple of years ago, some of the 8th grade boys took to calling me "beyonce", because, as one of them said, i was "booty-licious". maybe, subconsciously, i am acknowledging my booty-liciousness by adopting this new blog name.

yep. that's probably it.

bits and pieces

* i'm not really into this turning 40 thing. i still think of myself as being much younger. seriously, i do. is this wrong?

* one of my students is fading, fast. i'm losing him. his mother is losing him. he's on a collision course with destruction. his mother is trying. i am trying. but he is not. his peers are gaining control. his anger towards his absentee father is winning. i don't know what to do about it. but pray.

* i think i have a defective mommy gene. i've talked to a couple of you about this lately. i don't enjoy doing an hour of homework with kate every night. i'm a teacher, and i don't enjoy doing homework with my child. uh-oh. i also don't enjoy taking my children shopping. yuck. shopping for easter outfits on a crowded good friday is not my idea of a fun time.

* i love eating out. leo thinks eating out is a waste of money. houston, we have a conflict here.

* i hate letting people down. it's inevitable, i realize. but when you have the best intentions, and it happens anyways...well, that really sucks.

* i really want to try this couch to 5k thing. every spring, for the past three years, i've wanted to go for it. but something always happens, and my goal falls by the wayside. i used to jog. alot. i'm afraid again to try, because i don't want to not follow through ~ yet again. i'm being a WUSS!

* microderm abrasion. i need it. i can feel the 40 ish-ness coming upon me. wrinkles and bags and dark circles go away!

* i'm in the mood to change the name of my blog. i am still a ragamuffin, of the worst kind. but i think i'd like a change. jaki once suggested that i use 'jodi-licious'. hmm...

* happy easter everyone. i'm so grateful for the ways that you all make my life infinitely better. i am indeed blessed.

i just made brownies from scratch for this reason only

who's who

that's me, on the left, with my face all scrunched up. (wonder what that was all about!)

jules is on the right.