a ridiculously good time

actual dialogue between the photographer hired for the 8th grade dance and my dear friend/co-worker suzanne and i:

"we don't get out much." (us)

"yes, i can tell." (astonished photographer)

suzanne and i were chaperones at the 8th grade promotion dance last night, but truth be told, we probably had more fun than the kids. this was our big night out...no children, no husbands to worry about entertaining. just us, dressed like cowgirls in our boots and bandanas and badges, hopping on saddles for photo ops, and laughing hysterically with the students. we led them in then electric slide...we "jumped on it"...and, when to our surprise the d.j. played run d.m.c.'s "it's tricky", we even came up with some gangsta' moves that resulted in 40 kids or so joining us on the stage steps for an impromptu performance.

by night's end, suzanne and i couldn't decide if our behavior was the result of leading incredibly predictable and boring lives, or if we simply love our jobs and these kids so much that we went a little crazy. it was probably the result of both. either way, hanging with these kids (who said we "totally rocked") was an ideal way to spend two carefree hours indulging in unadulterated frivolity.

even jehovah would find this funny

once upon a time, steve used this clip from "monty python's life of brian" in one of his messages. (i was thinking this morning how it would apply to his current series.)

at any rate, the first time we showed this video at rvcc, julie said to me: "this clip is supposed to be funny. make sure you laugh loudly so that everyone knows it's okay [to laugh]." as it turned out, she didn't need to ask me to enjoy it; monty python took care of that. even now, it still makes me giggle.

catharsis required (Rated PG-13)

my first thought as to how to start this blog entry was: damn it all to hell.

my second thought about this blog entry was: you can't be honest here. you'll just sound whiny.

and now my final thought is: damn it all to hell, i'm writing anyways.

i admit it. i'm on a slippery slope. i'm so tired. i'm so very tired. i need to stay busy, and yet i need to rest. if i don't stay busy ~ stay engaged ~ then i will disengage. and i can't disengage for fear that it will lead to me not being able to get out of bed.

i admit it. i've been stretched too thin. partly by my own doing, and partly by what i feel is expected of me from others. still, i look around at other women who do more than i do, and THEY aren't coming apart at the seams. why am i so damn weak?

i admit it. the dog is peaking his head around the corner at me while i type this. and yet, when or if you see me out and about, you won't realize that he is on my heels.

i admit it. i feel that i have no right to ask God for help with this. i suck at being a christian. i don't pray like i should, i don't put my heart into worship like i should, and i don't spend enough time with Him. steve spoke about our Father, Abba, this weekend, but steve...i still don't feel worthy.

i admit it. i feel like leo just doesn't get it sometimes. but how could he? he hasn't been to the moon...

years ago, leo and i were hooked on the tv show "thirtysomething". there was an episode when one of the characters, nancy, was dealing with her ovarian cancer diagnosis, and her friends were trying to understand all that she was feeling. and nancy explained, "it's like i've been to the moon. i can describe it for you, how beautiful and dark and different it is, but you'll never fully comprehend. you haven't been to the moon."

i admit. today is one of those days when i wish i had never been to the moon.

quoting "you've got mail"...

...because i'm feeling incredibly small and insignificant and almost defeated in my work.

Sometimes I wonder about my life. I lead a small life. Well, not small, but valuable. And sometimes I wonder, do I do it because I like it, or because I haven't been brave? So much of what I see reminds me of something I read in a book, when shouldn't it be the other way around? I don't really want an answer. I just want to send this cosmic question out into the void. So good night, dear void.

peace i give unto you

as the result of having an extraordinarily bad day, i have listened to the following video countless times over the past few hours.

i am having a great deal of difficulty finding the mercy, grace, and forgiveness that i need in order to process today's events. in fact, i have so much anger inside of me, that i don't know what to do with it.

so i am meditating on these words and crying as i sit at this computer. god, please help me to do what i need to do...what You would have me to do...



His light is matchless.
His goodness is limitless.
His mercy is everlasting.
His love never changes.
His Word is enough.
His grace is sufficient.
His reign is righteous.
His yoke is easy
and His burden is light...
amen.

sick day

i've been home the past two days with a sinus infection and laryngitis. yesterday, i laid on the couch all day, feeling as if someone had hit me square in the face with the back of a frying pan. today is a little better. i'm still fighting the urge to actually get some work done around here. i have serious issues with resting and doing nothing else. all i can see is clutter that needs to be picked up, laundry that should be thrown in the washer, and beds that need to be stripped and changed.

charles shultz wrote the following in his 1967 book about happiness:

i discovered yesterday that daytime television pretty much stinks. thank goodness for the bob ross (joy of painting) episodes i have on dvr. i pressed 'play'on those and never looked back...

today i've been grading papers and trying to work on lesson planning for next week. piddling on my blog is my break for now. so i'm going to spend the next few minute posting a little bit of this and that...

here is my adorable husband around the age of two (with my mother-in-law, martha):

what a cutie! this is the same man who sent me a dozen roses last monday, who convinced me to stay home and take care of myself this week, and who left the following note for me yesterday morning: not poetry, perhaps, but the thoughtfulness and love behind it have caused me to tuck the note away in a special place.

speaking of poetry, i recently rediscovered the poetry of robert creeley. my three favorites: for love , the rain, and the hill. i'll close this post with both the text of the hill and an invitation for you to comment on any of creeley's work.

It is sometime since i have been
to what it was had once turned me backwards ,
and make my head into
a cruel instrument .

It is simple
to confess . Then done ,
to walk away , walk away ,
to come again .

But that form , I must answer ,
is dead in me , completely ,
and I will not allow it
to reappear -

Saith perversity , the willful ,
the magnanimous cruelty ,
which is in me
like a hill .

father bill

Monsignor William J. Maroon passed away last Friday.

"Father Bill", as he preferred to be called, was the priest at our wedding. he holds an incredibly special place in my heart. Fr. Bill may have been the first person who demonstrated for me the true meaning of forgiveness and acceptance, with no strings attached.

the events leading up to mine and leo's wedding were devastating. i won't go into much detail here, simply because many of you are familiar with the story. the short version is this: my former church pastor and many members of his congregation were extraordinarily vocal in their dissatisfaction of me marrying a catholic. in fact, the pastor withdrew from presiding in our service because he "refused to be held accountable on judgement day for taking part in an event he knew the Lord did not approve of". other things were said. truly horrible things, such has my husband was doomed to hell for his faith. *sigh*

after receiving these comments via phone from my pastor, i immediately called Fr. Bill. he was the essence of grace. he simply told me that he loved me, that he loved leo, and that my pastor had to do what he felt was right. he also reassured me that he would preside over our wedding, even though i was not catholic.

ironically, it was the catholic church for years that had insisted on its members marrying within the faith. my protestant background was not an issue for Fr. Bill. oh my goodness, i loved that man. he and the rest of his parish were beyond gracious in their acceptance and warmth and welcoming of me. i had NEVER felt so at home in a church before. truly.

now, here i am years later with a new church family, that i am proud to say reminds me of St. Mary's. my (pre-wedding) experiences taught me invaluable lessons on what it means to be merciful and open and gracious to all who walk through the doors of river valley. how we truly are brothers and sisters. in our wedding ceremony, father constantly referred to us as his beloved brothers and sisters. "i love you, my brothers and sisters...", and then he would plant big wet sloppy kisses on our cheeks (a part of his distinctive lebanese heritage). as i was walking out the doors of rvcc yesterday, steve was actually quoting part of father's homily from our wedding..."it is because God loved us first, that we are able to love Him and each other."

a blog had been maintained over the past several weeks on father's behalf, in order to keep the literal thousands of people who loved him updated on his condition. the site is down now, but the last post relayed this message from father: (when told that his cancer was terminal, he said) "i believe in the resurrection. i have preached the resurrection my entire life. i am not afraid."

god is good. once in a while we capture glimpses of his bountiful grace. i am weeping as i sit here, thinking about father bill and his abundant love for all of God's children. i miss him. i really do. but mostly, oh Lord, i praise you for the experience of allowing him to be a part of my life. surely, the angels are rejoicing. i know, father bill, that you are in heaven, and that our God has greeted you joyously, wrapped His arms around you, and said, "Well done, my good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things: enter into the joy of your lord."