catharsis required (Rated PG-13)

my first thought as to how to start this blog entry was: damn it all to hell.

my second thought about this blog entry was: you can't be honest here. you'll just sound whiny.

and now my final thought is: damn it all to hell, i'm writing anyways.

i admit it. i'm on a slippery slope. i'm so tired. i'm so very tired. i need to stay busy, and yet i need to rest. if i don't stay busy ~ stay engaged ~ then i will disengage. and i can't disengage for fear that it will lead to me not being able to get out of bed.

i admit it. i've been stretched too thin. partly by my own doing, and partly by what i feel is expected of me from others. still, i look around at other women who do more than i do, and THEY aren't coming apart at the seams. why am i so damn weak?

i admit it. the dog is peaking his head around the corner at me while i type this. and yet, when or if you see me out and about, you won't realize that he is on my heels.

i admit it. i feel that i have no right to ask God for help with this. i suck at being a christian. i don't pray like i should, i don't put my heart into worship like i should, and i don't spend enough time with Him. steve spoke about our Father, Abba, this weekend, but steve...i still don't feel worthy.

i admit it. i feel like leo just doesn't get it sometimes. but how could he? he hasn't been to the moon...

years ago, leo and i were hooked on the tv show "thirtysomething". there was an episode when one of the characters, nancy, was dealing with her ovarian cancer diagnosis, and her friends were trying to understand all that she was feeling. and nancy explained, "it's like i've been to the moon. i can describe it for you, how beautiful and dark and different it is, but you'll never fully comprehend. you haven't been to the moon."

i admit. today is one of those days when i wish i had never been to the moon.