something is radically wrong

Why am I afraid to dance,
I who love music and rhythm and grace and song and laughter?
Why am I afraid to live,
I who love life and the beauty of flesh and the living colors of the earth and sky and sea?
Why am I afraid to love,
I who love love?

-Eugene O'Neill

a year of surprises

Well, I'm blogging. And it's not for any of you ~ it's entirely selfish. For years I have realized the importance of journaling, but only find myself doing it when life starts to fall apart in some way. So this evening, I thought, why not journal online, or i.e., start a blog. So here it is, and even though I've not followed through on any past journaling attempts, perhaps I will indeed follow through on this one...

Several weeks ago, I was driving home from work and thinking about surprises. I once stated in a small group ice-breaker that "happy surprises" were one of my favorite things in life (as are lilacs and peonies, wonderfully heartfelt hugs, and good belly laughs). Truly, there is nothing better than a "happy surprise". Anyways, I kept thinking that this year I should BE the happy surprise, at least once a week, for someone...after all, giving is better than receiving...right? I could surprise someone with a card, or flowers, or a phone call, or a compliment, or the random Tim Horton's gift certificate in their school mailbox. Good plan. Solid plan. And God was in on the plan...at the time I just didn't realize it.

In the past two weeks, He has chosen to surprise me in ways that I never imagined. A friend going through a divorce, who, in the midst of an apparent panic attack, asks me to come immediately to comfort her. Another friend, going through marital difficulties, asks me to watch her children and dog as she secretly gathers belongings from her house, because as she says, "You were the only person I could think of...I had no where else to go." A phone call, summoning me to the high school, to help a dear child who is also in the midst of anxiety...leading to one of the most awkward and yet amazingly God-scripted scenarios of my life. (Someday, I'll have to tell you about it. It will blow your mind!) I was inundated by people truly NEEDING me. And it was all good. Surprising, very surprising, but good.

For me, giving is much easier than receiving. Why is that? Is it because it requires more humility than I can muster? I'm not sure. But I have become better at asking for what I need ~ I am not proficient yet, by any means ~ but I am getting better.

Back to surprises...

Today, at work, I had an experience of receiving a negative surprise while delivering a happy surprise. I thought I wanted to talk about it here...but now I'm not so sure. Perhaps tomorrow or another day when I am feeling more vindictive...

What surprises lay ahead for tomorrow? I have no clue ~ which, let's admit, can be rather exciting and frightening at the same time. But this is my year...my year of surprises. So I will strive daily to share them with you. Here's hoping there are infinitely more happy ones than dissatisfying ones!!!

Much love,
Jodi

My prayer for today: Lord Jesus Christ, Son of God, have mercy on me, a sinner.

www.rvcc.net