bullseye on my back

i've had the worst week.

rather yukky events from the past month culminated wednesday with me finally throwing my hands in the air and giving up. wait...maybe "giving up" isn't accurate. perhaps i am finally choosing to accept the fact that i absolutely can NOT control everything going on around me.

while i have, in the past, chosen to not reveal everything in my posts for fear of what others may think...now i've decided, what the heck? so here's the deal...

about a month ago, two separate co-workers approached me (thankfully) with a story that was floating around. rumor was, i had an "intensely angry" meeting with my superintendent, mrs. francis, in her office. supposedly, i was complaining that my niece, taylor, was not allowed to be on quiz bowl because her basketball coaches wouldn't allow it.

this is a completely made-up story. i spoke with mrs. francis this week about this rumor, which we both jokingly acknowledged as utter rubbish. in fact, i had not conversed with mrs. francis since last summer. we have no idea how this got started...but my name is out there floating around as being a royal witch to my boss. there are a few other facets to this rumor which i also discussed with mrs. f. and were cleared up instantly.

i'm grateful that my co-workers were honest enough to tell me what was happening. but still, i had to make sure that the basketball coaches, as well as my principal, understood that the story was purely fictional.

this week, mrs. f. came to ask me about another rumor floating around about me (specifically my name had been mentioned) complaining about a decision that she had made last week (regarding a school delay). again...not true.

now to be honest, i hear a lot of complaining from all kinds of people about all kinds of things. complaints from parents and co-workers (in the junior high as well as in the other three buildings) alike. and while i hear alot, i rarely repeat. in fact, the circle of people that i trust has recently become much smaller.

so anyways, my superintendent sweetly and graciously listens as i tell her that i have not been spreading rumors about her, nor was i upset by her decision last week. and while she was receptive to what i had to say, i realized that in many ways it doesn't matter because...

for whatever reason, my name is getting tied to alot of "crap" within my district. i honestly don't know why. now, i am far from perfect, and i've made a lot of MAJOR mistakes in my life. i readily admit to that. i take ownership of that. but doggone it, don't accuse me of stuff i HAVEN'T done.

i feel like, through no fault of my own, my name is tarnished right now. and there's not a darn thing i can do about it...barring asking mrs. francis to issue a memo clearing me of all wrong doing. i can't help but think that my principal is beginning to wonder just what kind of a trouble-maker i am. and this kills me.

any of you who truly know me understand that i am an incredible control freak, who worries desperately about what other people think. yes, i am a people-pleaser. no, i don't want anyone to hate me or think bad thoughts. now i am dealing with situations that i can't control that involve people saying untrue things. i'm being double-whammied!

is this the worst thing in the world? heck no. is it wearing me out? heck yes. for the first time in my teaching career, i am not wanting to go to work. i want out of the fray.

leo said i need to decide whether i am going to lower myself and join the fray, or rise above it. this post is not meant to imply that i am joining it. i just don't know how to fight the invisible enemy. perhaps there is no fighting it at all...

*heavy sigh*

schoolteacher blues

i really wanted to write an honest, raw, emotional entry about my job, but lest i be "dooced", i've decided against it. this blogging universe is actually pretty small...and i would hate for the 'powers that be' to stumble upon my writing and misinterpret what i'm saying. so, i'm going to edit my feelings somewhat as i mope through this post...

i love teaching. i really do. it's what i was born to do. but lately, there's been a TON of extra baggage attached to my job. and it's weighing me down.

in the past few weeks, i have witnessed so many disheartening things...and i'm not just talking about situations with my students. (gosh darn it, there are some situations i wish i could talk about on here.)

today, i had to have a girl removed from my room. i NEVER do that. she was so incredibly disrespectful and nasty and obtrusive ~ most of my first period kids are. this is the battle i fight every day. most of the time i win ~ i can calmly and lovingly talk them down from the mania that drives them to swear and throw things and boast of the misdeeds they delight in doing. i listen calmly as they tell me of their run-ins with the law, their need for tobacco before school, and the injuries they have sustained from shooting bb guns at each other or burning their fingers on roach clips. they trust me, and most of the time, they behave for me the best that they know how. it's just that this battle is starting to wear on me. with these kids, there seems to be so little return on my investment...

they don't change.

oh, and the academic requirements inflicted upon these same students by No Child Left Behind (NCLB) only exacerbates the problem. (BIG sigh...)

anyone out there know any government officials who would be willing to shadow me for a week and get a taste of what is REALLY happening in the lives of children raised in appalachian poverty? i mean, do they KNOW who and what these kids are living with? do they even have a clue about what we are up against?

more importantly, do they even care...

a daily reminder...

...that the world does not revolve around me, courtesy of st. francis of assisi:

O Divine Master,
grant that I may not so much seek to be consoled as to console;
to be understood, as to understand;
to be loved, as to love;
for it is in giving that we receive,
it is in pardoning that we are pardoned,
and it is in dying that we are born to Eternal Life.
Amen.

pitch his tents

freudian slip?

this much

my nephew's honest response to the question: "hey ben, how much do you love me?".

belated slide show

from christmas eve at my parents' house...

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i already miss the holidays. don't you? good times. good times.

"pearl" in both the english and greek

hey guys! happy new year! i hope everyone is safe after all the frivolity of monday night!

i just got off the phone with my beautiful and talented dear friend, peggy. she's the real-life wonder woman (no kidding), for reasons i will explain in a few minutes. anyways, i told her i was going to write my first blog entry of 2008 about her, so here we go...

i love peggy for a million and one reasons. she and i can go for weeks without talking, then pick up the phone, and it's like we haven't missed a beat. she was available to me last summer during a crisis that no one else even knows about ~ i called her, broken and weeping, and she took me in for the evening. she just listened. and i needed someone to listen. there was no judgement. she simply made herself available. i will never forget that.

i'm not sure exactly HOW we became buddies. it just sorta happened. she was attending a small group at RVCC that i was leading (a looonnngggg time ago) and our relationship just took off from there. when she had isabella, i visited children's hospital frequently ~ bells was there for quite awhile ~ and i think our bond grew stronger during that time.

peg is a hygienist, which is a job i absolutely could NOT do. she is also scheduled to take her boards soon to be an anesthetist. oh wow...i couldn't do that either. she is married to a rotten, ornery, OSU buckeyes fan named mark, who just might be one of the most interesting guys to have a conversation with in the world. mark has taught me a ton of things, all from the scientific/male perspective, that are equally remarkable and hilarious.

peg has a son, grayson, who recently turned two and is a blue-eyed, handsome replica of his mama. he was just making animal noises for me on the phone, while i, instead, was trying to get him to say "go irish!" and "OSU, yuck!" it didn't work.

isabella is peggy and mark's miracle, their oldest child and amazing daughter. isabella has cfc syndrome, a rare genetic disorder that typically affects the heart (cardio-), facial features (facio-) and skin (cutaneous). bells (as she is also known) is one of approximately 100 individuals reported in the cfc literature. it is estimated that there are perhaps 200-300 people with cfc worldwide.

bells has been through it all. everyting from multiple surgeries to ensure proper drainage of fluid from the brain to her stomach, to open-heart surgery, and more. her poor little body has been through the unimaginable.

equally essential to isabella's story is peggy's fortitude and stamina and abounding love. for every struggle that bells has endured, there is peggy...not complaining, not feeling sorry for herself, not collapsing under what has to be the most profoundly heavy weight a mother could bear...fighting for her child's life. peg has always reminded me of this quote by agatha christie:

"A mother's love for her child is like nothing else in the world. It knows no law, no pity, it dares all things and crushes down remorselessly all that stands in its path."

before closing this post, i invite all of you to learn more about cfc syndrome by clicking on the link. you can also see the lovely miss bells' picture here; she is the cutie in the green top. (i think she secretly desires to be a fighting irish fan!)

the name "peggy" means "pearl" in both the english and the greek. how accurate. peggy is a pearl, a gem, a precious rarity who keeps shining, no matter what. she, mark, bells, and grayson deserve a year of good fortune, wonderful health, and abundant blesssings. my prayer is that they overflow with all three.