apologies

to my friends and family out there who've been feeling neglected...

my dear husband, my sister julie, and my doc will testify to the fact that i've been in quite a funk for the past few weeks. yes, your phone calls and emails have gone unreturned. and no, i'm not proud of that. there have been times recently when i haven't had the energy to dial the phone, let alone engage in conversation.  and here's the deal, i would have engaged in phony, happy conversation with you, and you would have never known that i've felt more hopeless lately than i have since my initial diagnosis in 1997.  it's the pretending that gets me...

pretending is so exhausting. 

pretending that i'm okay.  right now, i'm not okay.  but maybe, i'm getting better.

i finally saw my wonderful doc yesterday, who is so patient and understanding and reassuring with me.  no, i'm not f ' ed up.  yes, i have a brain disease.  no, i'm not going crazy.  yes, it feels like it.  when you're in the fog, you only see the fog.  you don't realize there's a bright sun and beautiful blue sky out there.  you try to take people on faith, that everything will work out...but when everything around you is clouded and skewed, you begin to doubt yourself...your sanity...and the fear becomes all-consuming.

if i could only describe that fear for you...

i prayed for my doctor all day yesterday before my appointment, asking God to give him wisdom and the right words to say.  we have changed my medication, effective immediately.  i had been on lexapro since 2002.  doc said maybe it was time to shake things up a bit, just in case the lexapro had pooped out.  i agreed. (if you could all throw up a little prayer for me and my new drug regimen, i would appreciate it.)

the fear that comes with this disease causes me to doubt my worthiness of god's love and mercy.  in times like these, i find that, like the tax collector in Luke 18:13, i am unable to look to heaven, but instead continually pray, "God, be merciful to me, a sinner."

and i cry in comforted thanksgiving at this piece from brennan manning that i posted a few months ago...

dum ego anhelo, spero (latin proverb)

in response to a dream

last friday night, i had an incredibly vivid dream about fr. mychal judge:  i was in new york city, visiting a pub that father judge frequented.  i remember seeing nuns sitting in booths at the pub.  then, i found myself walking down a crowded city block to fr. judge's home.  many other visitors were there, looking at his personal items, reading, talking, and hugging.  i started sobbing.  and then i was awake.

i have absolutely no idea why i was dreaming about fr. judge.  many of you know how much i admire his compassion, especially towards those he saw as disenfranchised.  (by the way, if you have not seen the documentary on judge's life, "saint of 9/11", please feel free to borrow it from me.)  at any rate, when i woke up saturday morning, i felt compelled to google fr. judge's church, st. francis of assisi in manhattan.  while researching their programs, i found the breadline for the poor, a ministry of the franciscan friars there since 1929. 

i'm not sure if this was the reason for my dream, but...in the right-hand column of my blog, i have posted a photo of st. francis of assisi church with a link to the breadline, if you are interested in making a donation. for more information, please click on any of the links i've provided. 

brennan manning

i read brennan manning's the ragamuffin gospel several years ago. in fact, the title of my blog was initially "just a ragamuffin", because i so deeply identify myself as such. but it wasn't until last week that it ever occurred to me to look for manning on youtube...

there are a limited number of video clips with brennan manning, but i've posted one below that spoke to me... specifically at the 2:39 mark with the following...

[jesus] lovingly comes to your seat, and says, "I have a word for you. I know your whole life story. I know every skeleton in your closet. I know every moment of sin, shame, dishonesty and degraded love that has darkened your past. Right now, I know your shallow faith, your feeble prayer life, your inconsistent discipleship, and my word is this:  I dare you to trust that I love you just as you are, and not as you should be, because you're never gonna be as you should be."

i recognize that manning's thoughts on faith result in polarization:  people are either comforted by his words of Christ's mercy, grace, and love, or they believe that he (manning) simply "makes it too easy".  as a perfectionist who tends to beat herself up for the simplest of missteps, i find myself an enthusiastic member of the first group.

so thanks, brennan.

i choose kindness. . . i will be kind to the poor, for they are alone. kind to the rich, for they are afraid. and kind to the unkind, for such is how God has treated me. - max lucado

i was reminded this weekend, from more than one person, that no kind action ever stops with itself.

weekend thank-yous

to jenn and eli, dan and laura, fern, and mario. i never take kindness for granted.

Be kind, for everyone you meet is fighting a hard battle. ~Plato

judging and condeming others: by father john dietzen

read this article by fr. dietzen today in the catholic times:

Q:  Shortly after the funeral of Sen. Ted Kennedy, I was stunned to hear a talk-show person commenting, "Who is going to tell the children that Sen. Kennedy is not going to heaven."  Being raised Catholic, I was taught that even a last-minute act of contrition or plea to God would assure us of a place in heaven.  Could you clarify what he said?

A:  I don't know this individual's religious beliefs, of course, but from the viewpoint of Catholic teaching and that of most other mainline Christian traditions, the statement was shamefully uninformed and shallow.

Even some Catholics seem equally unaware of (or maybe they just don't accept) Catholic and common Christian belief, which pretty much parallels what you said.  God's grace is always at work in each of us as long as we live.

Sadly, some people have just enough faith to believe in a God who judges us, but not enough faith to believe in a God who loves us.  So they believe their surest way of pleasing God is to judge others as well.

We all need forgiveness.  As one spiritual writer put it, we are all beggars at the door of God's mercy.  We have a hard enough time trying to discern the secret movements of God's grace in our own hearts without pretending to know the inner secrets of someone else.

It is the grossest kind of spiritual pride, not to say foolishness, to imagine we have inside knowledge of God's relationship with any other human being, or that we know which people He should condemn or not. 

There is also the fact that we have a direct and serious command of our Lord not to judge one another. To claim or act as if we can judge another person's state of soul, that we have knowledge of that person's most intimate relationship with God, even what God's eternal plan is for that person, is or should be among other things just silly for anyone who professes to believe in the God of Christians. 

Unfortunately, there are too many who, letting their emotions and prejudices get the better of them, recklessly are willing to do just that.

So,  your instincts are spiritually healthy.  Self-righteous contempt and ridicule of those we disagree with sometimes appear politically useful and even make one feel self-satisfied, but not only is such a strategy seriously wrong, it never advances the cause of good.

St. Thomas Aquinas, along with countless other Catholic theologians, reminds us that God has ways of reaching people with His love and grace about which we know nothing.  That is our faith. 

This may sound trite, but it is nonetheless valid:  We must hate the sin, but love the sinner.  That's what Jesus always did, and that's what he requires us to do.

it bears repeating

that crazy mike yaconelli...what was he thinking, talking about God this way?  (sarcasm intended)

"the grace of God is dangerous. it's lavish, excessive, outrageous, and scandalous. God's grace is ridiculously inclusive. apparently God doesn't care who He loves. He is not very careful about the people He calls His friends or the people He calls His church."

amen

“Then the King will say to those on His right,
‘Come, you who are blessed of My Father,
Inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world.
‘For I was hungry, and you gave Me something to eat;
I was thirsty, and you gave Me something to drink;
I was a stranger, and you invited Me in;
naked, and you clothed Me;
I was sick, and you visited Me;
I was in prison, and you came to Me.’
“Then the righteous will answer Him, ‘
Lord, when did we see You hungry, and feed You,
or thirsty, and give You something to drink?
‘And when did we see You a stranger, and invite You in,
or naked, and clothe You?
‘When did we see You sick, or in prison, and come to You?’
“The King will answer and say to them,
‘Truly I say to you,
to the extent that you did it to one of these brothers of Mine,
even the least of them,
you did it to Me.’

~matthew 25:34-40

"i've always depended on the kindness of strangers." - tennessee williams

i just got off the phone with tony stover. tony lives in sevierville, tennesse. tony is a pretty cool guy. he proves that most people are, despite their shortcomings, essentially good.

a few weeks ago while on vacation, i fell off a boulder. yeah, a boulder. i landed several feet below on another boulder, located in the river that rushed through the chimneys (an area in the smokey mountains). to give you a visual, here is julie navigating around one of the rocks:

the mountains had experienced severe downpours for the previous twenty-four hours, so the water was moving extraordinarily fast, as you can see from the video below (excuse the fuzziness of the picture).

the boulders were also very slippery. i saw a rock that i wanted to get to, and told myself wisely not to jump to it. instead, i thought, i will take the safe way around...one step later found me five feet down, wedged between two boulders. my camera, which was strapped to my wrist, flew into the water as my hand bounced off the rock's surface. a knot instantly came up on my wrist, and the ribs on my upper left side were hurting terribly.

i was stunned at first, not realizing what happened. then, i frantically began looking for the camera, which julie saw fly into the river. (as most of you know, cameras and i just don't get along. i am ALWAYS dropping them!) i reached my arms down into the rushing water to no avail. i was panicked. i was in pain, and my camera was gone. gone. oh man. what a loser i was.

julie was calming and reassuring. i was lucky that i wasn't seriously hurt (as in, my head did not bounce off the boulder). we climbed up out of the river, dried ourselves off, and headed back to the motel.

fast-forward two days...

tony stover has taken his nieces and nephews hiking in the chimneys. about 200 yards downstream from where i had been, his nephew finds a camera wedged beneath a rock. tony told me on the phone, "i felt like God put the camera in my hands so i could return it to the owner. there were memories in that camera that you deserved to have back."

tony took my little cannon power-shot home, removed the memory card, which miraculously was still intact even though the camera was toast, and viewed the pictures on his computer. he noticed a red-headed girl with "waverly volleyball" written on a t-shirt. he saw another picture of a man (from our family reunion, which had occurred the day before we left on vacation) with a name tag on. he started researching the man's name and "waverly" and decided to call waverly high school in ohio.

tony was put in touch with our head volleyball coach, to whom he explained his story. the coach then called my niece, taylor, who was on vacation with us, and relayed this amazing tale...how a gentleman found my camera and actually wanted to return it. he even wanted to pay the postage without reimbursement.

true to his word, my broken camera and good memory card arrived in the mail about a week later. tony had paid $4.75 for shipping.

cut to today...

i spoke with tony for about 15 minutes this afternoon. super, super, super-nice guy. i told him my part of the story, then he explained his role. we talked about family (his father recently passed, and he is helping take care of his mother), and vacations, and strange coincidences. tony even invited me to his lutheran church; if i'm ever back in tennesse on a sunday morning or wednesday night, i am welcome to come in and make myself at home there.

i told tony our church believes that small things done with great love change the world.

he agreed whole-heartedly.

but i think i already knew that about him.

(p.s. both the picture and video in this post came from the broken camera that tony returned.)

admonishment

What you don't see with your eyes, don't witness with your mouth.
~Jewish Proverb

even jehovah would find this funny

once upon a time, steve used this clip from "monty python's life of brian" in one of his messages. (i was thinking this morning how it would apply to his current series.)

at any rate, the first time we showed this video at rvcc, julie said to me: "this clip is supposed to be funny. make sure you laugh loudly so that everyone knows it's okay [to laugh]." as it turned out, she didn't need to ask me to enjoy it; monty python took care of that. even now, it still makes me giggle.

peace i give unto you

as the result of having an extraordinarily bad day, i have listened to the following video countless times over the past few hours.

i am having a great deal of difficulty finding the mercy, grace, and forgiveness that i need in order to process today's events. in fact, i have so much anger inside of me, that i don't know what to do with it.

so i am meditating on these words and crying as i sit at this computer. god, please help me to do what i need to do...what You would have me to do...



His light is matchless.
His goodness is limitless.
His mercy is everlasting.
His love never changes.
His Word is enough.
His grace is sufficient.
His reign is righteous.
His yoke is easy
and His burden is light...
amen.

father bill

Monsignor William J. Maroon passed away last Friday.

"Father Bill", as he preferred to be called, was the priest at our wedding. he holds an incredibly special place in my heart. Fr. Bill may have been the first person who demonstrated for me the true meaning of forgiveness and acceptance, with no strings attached.

the events leading up to mine and leo's wedding were devastating. i won't go into much detail here, simply because many of you are familiar with the story. the short version is this: my former church pastor and many members of his congregation were extraordinarily vocal in their dissatisfaction of me marrying a catholic. in fact, the pastor withdrew from presiding in our service because he "refused to be held accountable on judgement day for taking part in an event he knew the Lord did not approve of". other things were said. truly horrible things, such has my husband was doomed to hell for his faith. *sigh*

after receiving these comments via phone from my pastor, i immediately called Fr. Bill. he was the essence of grace. he simply told me that he loved me, that he loved leo, and that my pastor had to do what he felt was right. he also reassured me that he would preside over our wedding, even though i was not catholic.

ironically, it was the catholic church for years that had insisted on its members marrying within the faith. my protestant background was not an issue for Fr. Bill. oh my goodness, i loved that man. he and the rest of his parish were beyond gracious in their acceptance and warmth and welcoming of me. i had NEVER felt so at home in a church before. truly.

now, here i am years later with a new church family, that i am proud to say reminds me of St. Mary's. my (pre-wedding) experiences taught me invaluable lessons on what it means to be merciful and open and gracious to all who walk through the doors of river valley. how we truly are brothers and sisters. in our wedding ceremony, father constantly referred to us as his beloved brothers and sisters. "i love you, my brothers and sisters...", and then he would plant big wet sloppy kisses on our cheeks (a part of his distinctive lebanese heritage). as i was walking out the doors of rvcc yesterday, steve was actually quoting part of father's homily from our wedding..."it is because God loved us first, that we are able to love Him and each other."

a blog had been maintained over the past several weeks on father's behalf, in order to keep the literal thousands of people who loved him updated on his condition. the site is down now, but the last post relayed this message from father: (when told that his cancer was terminal, he said) "i believe in the resurrection. i have preached the resurrection my entire life. i am not afraid."

god is good. once in a while we capture glimpses of his bountiful grace. i am weeping as i sit here, thinking about father bill and his abundant love for all of God's children. i miss him. i really do. but mostly, oh Lord, i praise you for the experience of allowing him to be a part of my life. surely, the angels are rejoicing. i know, father bill, that you are in heaven, and that our God has greeted you joyously, wrapped His arms around you, and said, "Well done, my good and faithful servant; you have been faithful over a few things, I will make you ruler over many things: enter into the joy of your lord."

litany of penitence

i find myself cheating on my compline (via The Divine Hours) of late by reciting the litany of penitence every night, instead of just on fridays. unfortunately, i find myself guilty of most every sin described. have mercy on me, Lord.


Most holy and merciful Father:
I confess to you and to the whole communion of saints in heaven and on earth.
I have not loved you with my whole heart, and mind, and strength.
I have not loved my neighbors as myself.
I have not forgiven others, as I have been forgiven.
Have mercy on me, Lord.

I have been deaf to your call to serve, as Christ served us.
I have not been true to the mind of Christ.
I have grieved your Holy Spirit.
Have mercy on me, Lord.

I confess to you, Lord, all my past unfaithfulness:
the pride, hypocrisy, and impatience of my life,
I confess to you, Lord.

My self-indulgent appetites and ways, and my exploitation of other people,
I confess to you, Lord.

My anger at my own frustration, and my envy of those more fortunate than I,
I confess to you, Lord.

My intemperate love of worldly goods and comforts, and my dishonesty in daily life and work,
I confess to you, Lord.

My negligence in prayer and worship, and my failure to commend the faith that is in me,
I confess to you, Lord.

Accept my repentance, Lord, for the wrongs I have done: for my blindness to human need and suffering, and my indifference to injustice and cruelty,
Accept my repentance, Lord.

For all false judgments, for uncharitable thoughts toward my neighbors, and for my prejudice and contempt toward those who differ from me,
Accept my repentance, Lord.

For my waste and pollution of your creation, and my lack of concern for those who come after us,
Accept my repentance, Lord.

Restore me, good Lord, and let your anger depart from me,
Favorably hear me for your mercy is great.
Accomplish in me and all of your church the work of your salvation,
That I may show forth your glory in the world.

By the cross and passion of your Son our Lord,
Bring me with all your saints to the joy of his resurrection.†

for erica

"Let me give you a new command: Love one another. In the same way I loved you, you love one another. This is how everyone will recognize that you are my disciples—when they see the love you have for each other." - John 13:34-35

we are very blessed to have matt and erica as neighbors. erica and i were talking last week about feelings of intimidation and guilt that well-meaning believers have imposed on us in the past. i was telling erica about the scripture above, and how i remembered steve speaking on it one sunday.

at river valley, we believe in small things done with great love, and their ability to change the world. over the past two days, i've had to borrow a can of soup and some band-aids (not at the same time) from matt and erica. and they've given those things with love. as a matter of fact, when i offered to pay matt for the soup, he simply replied, "hey, small things..."

so, erica, (and matt too, what the heck),

this is how i know that you belong to jesus...by your love.

anne lamott on the colbert report

i'm not a HUGE fan of stephen colbert, but i DO love this interview with anne lamott. colbert asks the right questions, and is the perfect mix of sassy and smart. anne, of course, is perfect.

it's held together by masking tape

my camera, that is. i have a little canon powershot digital camera that i earned with my credit card points. less than a week after receiving it, i dropped it on the sidewalk and cracked the battery cover. of course, the battery cover wouldn't close tightly enough to maintain enough pressure for the batteries to power the camera...but with just enough masking tape and a little pressure from my hand, it will take pictures...(and if you click on the photos below to view them "large", they're not too bad).



bleeding heart. can you honestly think of another living thing on the planet that is more accurately named?



i have my most emotional and spiritual encounters when lilacs bloom. yes, that sounds crazy, but...i don't know. there's just something about them. tonight, when i smelled these lilacs, i literally raised my fists in the air victoriously and called out, "yes!!! thank you god!!!" then i cried like a baby and praised him for the yearly miracle.



the butterfly above and i played hide-and-seek for at least ten minutes. he was not intimidated by my presence, and happily gathered pollen while i talked to him incessantly.



i wish i could eloquently and poetically express the pure and abundant joy god's lilacs and bleeding hearts and pink dogwoods brought me this evening. but alas, i am no poet. so instead, i'll lift these lines of worship from jennifer knapp...

sing alleluia, sing alleluia
praise the father above
sing alleluia
sing alleluia, sing alleluia
for his infinite love
sing alleluia

praise to the giver of good things
merciful father, holy king
join with the angels, sing out loud
praise him who reigns above the clouds

o praise him (when the morning comes)
alleluia (for the rising sun)
o praise him (when the day is done)
alleluia (praise the Lord of love)
o praise him (alleluia)
alleluia (alleluia)

all creatures of our god and king
lift up your voice and with us sing!

simple

for me, the essence of faith is summed up in the exchange that took place between jesus and one of the criminals dying beside him...

"One of the criminals who hung there hurled insults at him: "Aren't you the Christ? Save yourself and us!" But the other criminal rebuked him. "Don't you fear God," he said, "since you are under the same sentence? We are punished justly, for we are getting what our deeds deserve. But this man has done nothing wrong."

Then he said, "Jesus, remember me when you come into your kingdom. " Jesus answered him, "I tell you the truth, today you will be with me in paradise." (luke 23:39-43)

when everything else is stripped away...all the man-made laws that we impose to make our faith more complicated than it really is...the debates on baptism and dress codes and alcohol and what version of the bible to read and who's worthy, or not worthy, to receive communion...

for me, all of those distractions fall away when i read this excerpt from luke. a man, a criminal, acknowledges as he is dying, that jesus is the son of god.

jesus' response? simple and unquestioning. the essence of grace. the criminal has done nothing to deserve christ's love. he simply believes.

i am the criminal. i am filthy. i deserve death.

i could not exist without christ's mercy. i could not live without his grace.

and i ask him every day to remember me in his kingdom.

obama...yikes!

*disclaimer: yes, i am a christian and attend rvcc. the views represented here are not the views of all christians or people who attend rvcc. don't use my personal political beliefs as fodder for criticizing rvcc or anyone else that you don't personally know.

man, i'm really livin' on the edge with these past couple of posts...

okay, so yesterday, i asked my sister and parents who they were planning to vote for in the presidential primary. i'm leaning very strongly toward barack obama. i've watched all the debates (although i must admit, john edwards was my fav) and hillary just scares the ba-jeebers out of me. and then i heard it ~ for the first time ~ from my sister: barack might be the antichrist.

ka-boom!!!! the anti-christ. holy cow.

seriously, i had never, never, ever, ever thought of that.

this is worth investigating. i mean, for crying out loud, I AM NOT GOING TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR HUMAN DEVASTATION OF BIBLICAL PROPORTIONS ~at least not if i can help it.

google: obama is the antichrist. links found: hundred upon hundreds

well i'll be danged.

donald miller, of "blue like jazz" fame, had an interesting take on the "obama as antichrist"thing:

He himself claims that he was baptized at Trinity United Church of Christ. That said, he talks about his faith in a non-“Jesus told me to kill these people” sort of way. This makes him suspect. The true anti-Christ will no doubt champion peace. It’s not the “Jesus told me to kill people” crowd we are worried about, it’s the leaders who can’t hear this obvious voice of God. And it bears repeating that he is handsome. He is very handsome.

miller's next pick as the antichrist???? yep, it's bono. miller's reasoning:

Be afraid: He owns a castle in Ireland. A castle, for pete’s sake! Bono is very adept at controlling large crowds, as he does it for a living.

another site with great info (on obama) is one of my new favorite blogs, mackle. (for cred, ya gotta know that iain - aka "mackle" - is a christian worship leader who is boggled daily by grace, loves david crowder, and is obssessed with Macs ~ uh, eli and marty, were you separated from this guy at birth?).

so anyways, mackle wrote a tongue-in-cheek piece about obama being the antichrist, with resulting comments that blew his mind. these are priceless:

“isn’t it said that the antichrist will die and then come back? well, isn’t his middle name hussein???” (jodi's comment: do we christians believe in reincarnation now?)

"I never saw his face but only HEARD his words, and his voice and his tone and REALIZED that WTF this man is the antichrist. I never even knew Obama or who he was prior to that." (jodi's comment: do we christians regularly use the acronym, WTF? if so,then WTF, steve good ~ i dare you to throw one of those out next sundary morning!)

“barack obama is a wierdo!! he resembles the anti christ! is there any way we can determine if he is or not?” (jodi's comment: what does the antichrist look like? is there an artist sketch of him down at the WPD?)

okay, so here's my final deal...and i'm gonna quote from mackle here 'cause he does such a great job:

As a Christian, can I plead with the Christians on here to get on with loving God, living as salt and light, spreading the gospel and loving each other instead of getting hung up in eschatological craziness. Nobody knows who the Antichrist is - it hasn’t been revealed yet. In fact, who said it was a single person at all?? It could be a whole system, just as Babylon is a personified system. The point is that we have the victory in Christ, these things MUST happen (whoever they will involve and whenever they will occur) and calling dates, times, names and such just makes you look like idiots if you’re wrong, just as everyone who claimed to know who it was over the last 2000 years look like idiots now that it is apparent that they were talking nonsense. Enough with the wild claims, people, and concentrate on living the life God called you to.